Miraculous Man and the Retarded Redneck

George’s day had just started.  He swiped his badge and was now on the clock.  George worked in the electronics department at Hellmart, a major retail store.

George waited for the archaic machine to beep and tell him his badge had been accepted.  Once it had done so he headed out to his department.

On his way out he passed a couple of coworkers he liked and waved to them and said hello.

George was dreading today because of the release of Kolyom, major motion picture being released on DVD today.  It is one of the most anticipated movies in movie history.

Things actually went fairly smoothly for George his first couple of hours.  Then 5 o’clock came and a horde of people fresh out of work flooded the store.

Things were still going okay until George was approached by a gruff-looking man with an unkempt beard, a T-shirt with multiple holes in it, and pants that looked as though they hadn’t been washed in years.

“Where can I find Kolyom on Blueray?” he asked with a thick southern draw.

George had been dreading this question since he started his shift.  He was surprised he’d made of this long into his shift without having heard it.  The studio that released Kolyom wasn’t currently releasing it on Blueray yet because they were still developing bonus content for it.  George explained as much to the customer.

“You expect me to believe that a movie this big isn’t being released on Blueray?” he asked with skepticism written all over his face.

“I thought the same thing when they told us,” George admitted, “but it’s true.  They aren’t releasing it on Blueray until a later date.

“This is bullshit!” the customer exclaimed irately.  “If you won’t sell me the fucking Blueray then I’ll go to another store and get it.”

The man turned and began to angrily stomp away.

George knew he should have let it go at that, but he couldn’t stop himself.  “Good luck with that.  If you find it let me know,” he retorted curtly.

“What did you say, asshole?” the man asked threateningly.

It was too late for George to back down now.  His pride would not allow it.  “I said good luck finding it!”

“Listen here, mother-”

That was as far as the man got before a red kickball came flying in from nowhere and hit the man upside the head.

Both George and the customer looked in the direction from whence the ball came and found a man standing there in a blue jumpsuit, a dirty hockey mask, and a black terry cloth towel wrapped around his neck as a cape.

Nice outfit, George thought sarcastically to himself.

The man had another kickball in his hand which he was tossing up and down with his right hand.

The man in the ugly jumpsuit spoke first as the customer appeared to have been stunned into silence by the ball that unexpectedly hit him in the head.

“You will kindly apologize to this young man before events become more unpleasant than they have already become,” he demanded in a regal tone.

“Did you hit me with that ball, boy?” the customer fumed.

Well today just got extremely interesting, George thought.

“I did,” the fashion-challenged man responded.  “I will do so again if you fail to apologize to this young man for your foul treatment of him.”

“You’re dead,” the customer said as if it were already a fact.  He then charged the man in the jumpsuit.

If the man in the jumpsuit was frightened or even going to react to the attack about to befall him he didn’t show it.  He continued to stand there, nonchalantly tossing the kickball to himself.

The customer was nearly upon the masked man before he acted.  He very quickly reared back with the kickball and tossed it directly at the customer’s feet.

The ball somehow managed to get wedged between the customer’s left foot and the floor.  The masked man casually sidestepped as the customer’s feet went out from under him and sent the man barrelling through the area the masked man had just vacated.  The customer fell onto his back.  His breathe audibly escaped his body as he hit the floor, his forward momentum carrying him into a TV display.  The display TV was not properly secured and began to sway to and fro afterwards.

The customer had just sat up when the television, a 50 inch plasma, tumbled forward, falling off of the display and landing squarely on the customer’s head.  The customer was knocked backward,  and his head then hit the concrete floor forcefully with the TV still atop of it.  The only movement of the customer’s body thereafter was the rising and falling of his chest.

The masked man walked to where the unconscious man lay and placed his right foot upon the customer’s chest and folded his own arms upon his chest.  He then boldly proclaimed, “And another fool has been thwarted whilst mistreating one of my customer service brethren.   Let all who witness these deeds speak of them so that all may know that thou shalt not trifle with Miraculous Man and his brethren.  We will be stepped upon no more!  We will…”

Miraculous Man stopped.  While he was speaking a manager had entered the department.  That manager carried a walkie talkie.  A voice had just come over the radio and said that the police had been called and were on their way.

“Well, folks,” Miraculous Man said to the crowd that had gathered around to watch these strange events unfold, “that is my que to leave.  I bid you a fond farewell, and remind you to always tip your waitress.”

Miraculous Man then turned and fled the scene.   George wasn’t quite sure what had just happened or why, but he was grateful that Miraculous Man had intervened.  George surely would have been fired for fighting with the customer.

From that moment on, George ensured that everyone at Hellmart knew who Miraculous Man was and knew the kind acts he had performed.

He hoped to see him again.