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Dear Mr. President,
I’m writing you today to address a grave concern that many citizens in this country currently share. I know you’re still out on the campaign trail (even though you’ve already won) in an attempt to ensure that your constituents believe that Republicans are to blame when we venture head-first over the fiscal cliff, but there’s a more pressing issue to address.
I’m sure you’re probably wondering what this issue could possibly be. What’s more important than spending cuts and tax hikes? Is it the war in Afghanistan? The conflict in Syria? Gun control? Saving Twinkies?
No, Mr. President. This concern trumps all of those worthy causes.
The answer, Mr. President, is zombies of course. The zombie apocalypse will begin soon. This Saturday to be exact. The first day after the end of the Mayan calendar. The day the zombie uprising begins.
What precautions have we taken to prevent this, if any? What plans are in place to quell this uprising? And for heaven’s sake why are we talking about banning guns when we’ll be overrun by zombies this weekend? I can’t double-tap if I don’t have a gun, Mr. President.
This needs to be addressed immediately, Mr. President. If we can’t defend ourselves from the zombie hordes we won’t be around to even go over the fiscal cliff. Will the National Guard be on standby? Will our armed forces be recalled to help protect our land? Have our police forces, EMT’s, and firefighters been prepared for what they’ll face?
If not, I have a helpful list of 5 things we can do to train our protectors for the coming fight.
- Watching Zombieland should be mandatory for all police officers, firefighters, and military forces. This training manual contains vital rules and lessons for survival and killing zombies.
- Training simulators. These include playing Left 4 Dead, Dead Rising, and Resident Evil.
- Get to your nearest Kinko’s, and make millions of copies of this survival guide to pass out to military personel and civilians alike. Make it rain with these bitches.
- I lied before about not saving Twinkies. We’ll need sustenance and that shit doesn’t ever expire. Bailout Hostess. Now.
- The general public needs to be warned of its impending doom. As ludicrous as it seems, there are probably still people out there that aren’t aware that the Mayan calendar will be ending, and thus unleashing an army of undead upon this world. We’ll have to risk the panic and mass hysteria that follows and put signs like these everywhere:
Mr. President, I hope you understand the seriousness of this letter. The consequences could be dire if you don’t. We need to prepare now, while we still have time. It is my hope that if we accomplish nothing else in 2013, that we successfully suppress the zombie revolution. We can only do that if we’re prepared, though.