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2012 was a turbulent year for me, and has been since the beginning of August when my wife left me. So when my personal sculptor arrives, his instructions will be to capture the anguish which crushed me when she walked out the door and shattered my heart into thousands of pieces the size of a granule of sand.
This statue will be significant to me because it was a defining moment in my life. I realized who I was. I realized that what my wife had been telling me was true. I realized that I took her for granted. I realized that I had been treating her like shit.
This realization, along with being alone and broken-hearted, sent me plummeting straight towards rock bottom. And I hit it hard. I was a disaster. I couldn’t concentrate at work. I was barely able to keep my composure when the kids were around. When they weren’t around I was drowning my sorrows in alcohol. I lost all desire to do anything. I quit reading. I quit writing. I quit playing video games. I quit doing everything that I enjoyed. I couldn’t eat. I lost over 30 pounds in about a month’s time. I was a complete clusterfuck.
I was able to pull myself together and get myself to a doctor who prescribed me some medication, and I eventually evened out. I started eating again. I was able to function again.
This moment needs to be memorialized, because it’s also the moment I realized that I didn’t like who I was. I didn’t like how I treated my wife or my children. It was at that moment that I resolved to become a better person, a nicer person, so that I could keep those I love in my life and so that those people wouldn’t resent me. Or even hate me. I needed to become a person that I could be proud of. That my mother could be proud of. That my children would be proud of.
The statue will depict me fallen to my knees, but looking up with a hopeful look upon my face and eyes filled with resolve.
I will do better. I MUST do better.
Check out these other great Daily Prompt posts:
Powerful image, Twin.
Rock on.
Thanks, Gaup.
So far as I’ve found, the Divorce Diet is the single most effective weigh loss program out there. Massively bad for you, but effective.
Yeah, I’ve started to put some of it back on already though…
Probably not a bad idea. The Stormtrooper digs might rattle.
Yeah, it’s incredibly annoying when I’m moving around.
Pingback: THE DEATH OF DEPRESSION « hastywords
This is huge twindaddy.
Honest and raw and commendable.
Glad to see you making your way back.
I’m proud of you.
Red
Thanks, Red.
People sometimes forget that men can feel the pain and anguish of seperation, too. I commend your strength and determination.
Oh, and thanks for the pingback.
Yeah, it was rough. Thanks for reading!
This is a powerful post, TwinDaddy. I’m glad you are finding your way back, including to us here on the sphere.
Your sculpture reminded me very much of my very favorite sculpture: The Burghers of Calais. Here is a closeup of one of them (second picture) that came to mind with your writing: http://agathe-verschaffel.over-blog.com/categorie-10939713.html
And the story, like yours, is worth knowing: http://www.rodin-web.org/works/1884_burghers.htm
You’re gonna make it, my friend.
That is a pretty cool story, Elyse.
I have made significant progress according to my wife, and that gives me hope. Our situation is still kind fubar right now, as we’re still living separately due to other circumstances that are beyond our control, but we’re dealing with them the best that we can.
We’re both very determined to make this work and we both know that once we get where we want to be it will all be worth it.
Thank you for your support, Elyse. You’ve always been very kind and supportive of me and I appreciate that very, very much.
Your wife is the best judge of the improvement, I’d say, so that is great news. Sorry things are imperfect, though. I hope 2013 brings better things to you and your family, TwinDaddy.
I hope so.
Two stellar posts in one day friend. What a day this is on this blog. So glad I’m a reader. We get to see you as a man on his way back to health and happiness in one post, and the brilliant writer who is returning to the surface in the other. Well done on both, and I wish you all the best and hope that your life will continue to improve as you work on becoming the man you want to be.
Thanks, Cheeky. I’m determined to do this, but changing who you are isn’t an easy task. It will take time, I’m sure.
I’m sure, but nothing worth having ever came easy, right? I thought about writing about this post of yours for today’s daily prompt, is that okay with you? This one did sting, and I feel for you. This and another recent one of a fellow blog friend. Let me know. If you would rather I don’t I totally understand.
By all means, go ahead. I would be flattered for you to write about me.
Squee! If I can get it done, manning the bridge by myself and coming down with a cold is making for a busy yet craptastic Friday.
That sucks. On the bright side…Friday.
But, I have to work tomorrow too. Blecch. Mr Cheeky gets to stay home in a nice clean house and play with the stack of Xbox games the kids gave us for Christmas. Oh well, only til noon. Then I’ll be home to make sure that I ruin everything by killing everyone on my own team because I shouldn’t be allowed to hold a controller.
That sounds fun. Will you be on my team?
this is very sad. but it’s good that it has enlightened you. may you have a good year ahead.
What’s really sad is that it took her leaving for me to realize these things. It’s really hard to hear that you’re not who you think you are and have to see the vitriol for yourself to truly wake up. I guess the good news is that I actually saw it and didn’t continue to ignore it.
So honest. This is amazing; best of luck to you on your journey. Last year I went into a pretty deep depression and have (almost) climbed completely out of it at this point. Sometimes it takes something drastic to make us realize how lucky we are.
You’re right. I wish it hadn’t, but what’s done is done. The important thing is that I can see with clarity now and know that I have things to improve upon.
Pingback: Daily Prompt~ That Stings! « The Cheeky Diva
Wow, great post and I’m sure very difficult to put online. I feel your pain. I went through a very similar thing when I divorced several years ago. It was hell, I too drowned myself with alcohol for a bit and then realized I needed to be stronger. Those are the times in life that mean the most and shape you the most. Being able to escape the abyss or sink farther. That’s what life is all about. I’m glad you are better.
Thanks. It’s becoming easier to talk about. At first I didn’t want to talk about it because I was ashamed to admit what I was. But I’ve gotten so much support from fellow bloggers that I don’t feel so bad about broaching the subject now.