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Have I ever made a New Year’s Resolution that I kept? Well??? Have I?
“Twindaddy, you unmotivated tool, you!” you may be thinking. This is true, but that’s not why I’ve never kept a resolution. I have never kept a resolution because I’ve never made a New Year’s Resolution.
That’s right, Jackie, I’ve never made a New Year’s resolution. I think they are stupid.
Any time I’ve ever decided something in my life needed to change, I make that change right away. I don’t wait for a new year to start, that’s just ludicrous. I mean, back in August, when I realized I wasn’t the person I thought I was, after seeing in black and white the way I was treating my wife, what sense would it have made to wait until January to make any changes? The simple answer is that it wouldn’t have made sense. Don’t put off today what you can do tomorrow. Wait, I think I did that wrong. Well, you get the idea, right?
The typical resolutions are sometimes just asinine. For example:
- Lose weight. That’s a noble goal, and one that I’ve embarked upon many a time, but I don’t wait until January to do this. I do it the same day I look in the mirror and realize what a fat ass I’ve become.
- Stop smoking. Well, seeing as how I’ve never smoked this wouldn’t ever apply to me, but this should be a resolution that every smoker should make every day. What a nasty habit you smokers have. Buttpuffers.
- Be nicer. Fuck that! Ha ha ha! But seriously, this is another thing you should resolve to do on a daily basis. If at any point during the year you discover you’re a jackass you shouldn’t think to yourself, “Okay, self, I’ll fix this in January. Until then, I’ll continue to be a jackass. If people call me out on it, I’ll let them know that I’ve resolved to quit being a jackass next year.”
- Quit drinking. Why? Why would you do this? Unless you’re an alcoholic there’s no reason for it. And even then you shouldn’t quit completely. Just cut back a little. You have to be sober sometimes. When you’re driving, for instance. Other than that, alcohol enhances life. That’s why I don’t refer to it as being drunk. I refer to it as being “enhanced.”
The other problem with resolutions is the implication that there’s something wrong with the way you are. Why should I have to make resolutions? That’s just asking me to find all of the ways I suck. Why would I want to do that? Why focus on the negative? I’m fucking fantabulous the way I am! Dammit!
I guess this was a completely roundabout way of saying this, but I don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions. I don’t actively search for ways that I’m horrible. If I find one, I address it at that time. There’s no sense in putting it off for another year. I’m starting to feel like this post is getting redundant, so I should probably quit while I’m ahead.
What about you, dearest reader? Do you do resolutions? If so, what resolutions did you make?