For years, my beautiful wife has told me she suffers from RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome). When she first told me this, I accused her, not so eloquently, of making it up. I had never heard of such a thing and, quite frankly, couldn’t imagine a disease or medical condition which consisted solely of the inability to keep one’s legs still. My wife explained to me that because her legs would not stop moving it kept her from sleeping.
Sure, I thought. Whatever.
Sometime later, we were watching TV and a commercial for a medicine to treat RLS come on the tube. My wife, rightfully, slapped me upside the back of the head and yelled, “See?”
Yeah, I saw, but I still didn’t really believe. And to some degree, I still didn’t really think this was an actual thing. This, of course, all happened prior to our trials last year. I’ve had a much more open mind since then, but this particular issue hasn’t really come up.
It has now. And now I believe.
Last night, as my wife and I lay in bed, her feet found mine under the covers. Awwwww, I remember thinking, she want’s to play footsie. A second later searing pain raced throughout my nervous system, telling my brain…
My wife had kicked and stabbed me with her big toe nail. What the hell??
I had cried out when she did this, but there was no response. Surely she wasn’t ignoring me. She wouldn’t ever….yeah she would. I turned to ask her what the hell she did that for only to find that she was asleep. And her legs were still moving.
So I moved my legs closer to the edge of the bed – and further away from her. Her feet found me again a handful of minutes later. And began to kick me. Again.
So I moved my legs, once again, closer to the edge of the bed. Her feet found my legs once again and, yes, began to kick me again.
I gave up. I didn’t want to wake her up since she’s been having so much trouble sleeping since her surgery, so I just let it go. Although I do wonder if she was feigning sleep just so she could kick me without consequence. That would be just like her….
Needless to say, I no longer doubt that RLS exists. It is real. It is deadly. I was in perilous danger last night, but somehow survived the RLS-induced onslaught, but only barely.
Dearest readers, if a loved one ever tells you that he or she has RLS, take them at their word. This is no condition to trifle with. Better safe than sorry. Try these things to protect yourself.
- Wear shin guards to bed.
Not just for soccer any more.
- Get a bed divider. That way you won’t get kicked unexpectedly in the middle of the night. Bonus bonus – your partner can’t invade your space.
I wish I had one of these.
- Invest in some rope. Or duct tape. Or bungee cords. Something strong enough to bind legs together. And then bind the binded legs to a bed post to restrict movement.
This should suffice.
Please, dearest reader, take the appropriate steps to protect yourself from this painful and horrible phenomenon (enom enom). Don’t find out the hard way like your’s truly did. Learn from my fail.
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Have her drink a little bit of tonic water at night (with or without gin). My mother-in-law has had this problem for years.
That’s the first time I’ve ever been kicked as a result of this…
I get a mild version from time to time, usually when I am annoyed with my husband.
But seriously, the age old remedy is quinine — but it is toxic in large amounts. There is just a hint of it in tonic water. Try that.
I’ll mention it to her. Thanks!
It pays to know a fake medical professional.
Woohoo!
So is your mild version a regularly occurring issue, or it just randomly comes and goes?
It just started bothering her again since surgery. I think a lot of it has to do with stress.
It comes and goes. Usually when I am irritated with Mr. AndAHalf …
But seriously, it used to wake me up but stopped. The tonic helped. So did the gin.
I have RLS and I’m deeply offended by this. RLS ruined my wedding day! As I stood there with my fiance at the altar, my whole family watching, my legs just started to randomly shudder. Everyone thought I was doing an Elvis Presley impression. It was humiliating. RLS is no laughing matter!
Settle down. Learn to have a sense of humor about things.
Sorry. That was supposed to be a joke . . . I’m obviously not as funny as I thought I was.
Well, I was laughing, but I didn’t want to say that if you were telling the truth. I’m an asshole, but not THAT big of an asshole.
Haha….Well, I commmend your politeness, good sir.
Hurrah!!
Is there such a thing as restless paw syndrome? Because I think Jack has it.
Probably. There’s a medical condition for everything today.
I type in my sleep. Chronic typing myalgia.
Are those your really good posts or just your above average ones?
Some are so intensely genius that they are almost not comprehendible.
Hawking-eske? Very nice, indeed.
Pretty much, yes.
And again you inspire me.
I’m sorry to hear about your wife’s restless legs, but do you think maybe the two of you could capitalize off of her illness by competing against Michael Flatley in a narcoleptic inspired feet of flames dance off.
Not likely. As I said, this is the first time it’s ever been so intense so I doubt that it’ll happen again any time soon. Great idea, though.
Twindaddy,
Toenail clippers and duct tape.
Problem solved.
Red
And a nail file. *insert Tim Allen laugh here*
More Power!
So I rewired it!
Nail file Dremel!
Woohoo!
My wife always complained about having “itchy legs” where they kept moving and she couldn’t sleep. Then we saw that RLS commercial and she was like, “That’s what I’m fucking talking about, dickhead!” I said, “Class it up a little bit smutmouth. Try talking like a lady” To which she replied, “I am a fucking lady, Sir!” Then we laughed. But RLS does suck
That does seem pretty classy on her part.
She’s a good broad. Hahaha
Another natural remedy for your wife is Tart Cherry Juice. or tart cherries that are used for pies. They sell alternative form that can usually be found in Natural food stores. We have many patients who swear by this method. The quinine Elyse mentioned is found in the cherries.
Just for the disbelief alone, you deserved every kick and scratch! High five to the Mrs.
Tell me that doesn’t sound made up….
……..silence……… Don’t make me come over there and kick you too.
Hahahahahaha!
My favorite part was when she slapped you upside the head….
We used to be good buddies. Now you revel in my pain. Oh how the mighty have fallen.
We’re still good buddies -but ya gotta admit that a smack upside the head is hilarious…
Yes it is, when it happens to someone else.
Fuckin’ A right.
Woohoo!!
I don’t know how old you are, but….
Sorry about the quality. I think they only had Betamax then.
I’ll have to check this out at work tomorrow. I just got home and everyone is asleep… party poopers.
I bet if she ran a couple of miles every day, then her legs would still be restless but she’d be in a terrible mood on top of that, and really really tired. Wow, I hope this helps!
That sounds like a great idea! I’ll suggest it.
Make sure you take credit for the idea!
Well duh, I’m not gonna let you take all the glory.
This is like when my sister used to say when she was younger that she suffered from growing pains. Then we saw something about how other than the television show, growing pains did not exist. I think she was just too fat for her legs.
I know I get RLS sometimes. I just can’t stop kicking. Have you considered divorce? How much do you love your wife?
Um…we’re currently NOT trying to get divorced.
I do believe you when you say your wife has RLS. My mother suffers from it, and she says it’s terrible. As you said, you will have to watch for when she kicks you just because she can. My husband is a snorer. I’d had enough of it one night and whapped him hard on the chest with the back of my hand. He bolted upright and yelled, “What the hell!” but I had already tucked my hand back under the covers and pretended to be asleep. Took everything in me not to laugh. The next day he said something happened during the night, but he wasn’t sure what it was.
See, I wonder if that’s what she was up to.
I’d try the second one, but I’m pretty sure the divider would get relocated so I only had a tiny sliver of bed.
But at least you’d have your own defensible space.
Not only does my hubby kick at night he also has hand thrashes at times and yes you never know when to expect them. We sleep with a pillow between us he has one in his arms and one between his knees and he still thrashes….his are due to PTSD from several wars he survived and came back from…being a Veteran is not all that the medals and pretty pictures make it look like. Best of luck with you and your wife…cut down on caffeine and the Tonic Water does help. My side of the bed is the very edge of one side btw…
I learned about PTSD in school and from what I gather its very tough to deal with. Its a shame we don’t do more for our veterans once they came home with conditions such as this.
Best of luck with your wife’s condition. It is real and it is severe at times. I get leg cramps due to a pinch in my sciatic nerve and am up through the night. If I had to add the twitching to it I think I would lose my mind adding my hubby’s condition lol…We do feel your pain…honestly…our prayers are with you.
Wow, sorry to hear all that.
Tonic water and possibly vitamin D. I hope something helps.
Thanks.
I’m playing my violin. Can you hear it!
Not from all the way over there, I can’t!
Shame, because it’s so damn good.
I’ll imagine it then….
That is quite exquisite. Where did you learn to play like that?
I taught myself. My husband gives me loads of inspiration. Especially when he whines.
Ah, you’d rather listen to that horrible noise than a whiny man, eh? I cannot say a blame you. It’s so unattractive.
My heart goes out to your wife because I get restless legs too, except mine is stress related. When I’m bothered by something, the legs start going. But only when I’m trying to sleep. I’m sorry for her, it’s absolutely brutal. Has she tried taking iron supplements and/or magnesium supplements? Tonic water sometimes helps too (it’s the quinine). (If she’s like me, she’s already tried EVERYTHING to try to get rid of it). Give her a hug from me. I feel her pain. Sucks for you too, though, bro. Sorry.
Thank you, dearest madam.