Okay, I’m done with the unfunny today. We’ve had a romantic post. Awww. We’ve had a serious post. Cut it out, Daily Post! Now it’s time for some good ol’ ranting and bitching. And maybe a dash of humor. I hope.
Baby C is a funny, yet sometimes weird little creature. Much like his maternal grandfather, he loves to have the television on. He doesn’t necessarily watch it, but he enjoys the background noise I guess.
So when I came home from work one day last week, the television was tuned to the Cartoon Network. And SpongeBob SquarePants was on. What a horrible show that is.
In addition to being severely unfunny, it’s idiotic and nonsensical, too. For instance, he lives in a pineapple under the sea, right? Under the sea! So how on earth do things catch on fire when they’re saturated with water, which, last I checked, is decidedly inflammable.
What. The. Actual. Fuck.
So the particular episode that was on that day had Plankton in love with some sort of computer. Or maybe the computer was in love with him. I really wasn’t paying that close attention. The important thing here is that Plankton broke this computer’s heart.
A genuine heartbreaker.
Now I know what you’re thinking, “But Twindaddy, computer’s don’t have hearts!” Tis true, but this particular computer was an artificial intelligence, so I guess it had a virtual heart. Or something. It’s beside the point anyway. The point is, the computer started crying. Literally. Not only was this pansy-ass computer wailing like a bitch, but tears were actually flying out of the eyes of this machine. Eyes which were displayed on a CRT monitor screen.
Tears don’t come out of this. They may be cried upon it, but they don’t originate here.
There are a multitude of problems with this. First, CRT monitors are incapable of producing tears. But Twindaddy, it’s just an animated show!! Lighten up! You’re right. Let’s move on.
SpongeBob StupidPants
Next on the problem list is that they’re still under water. If you cry underwater you’re not going to see the actual tears because they’ll immediately blend into the water upon being shed. Imagine, if you will, water coming out of a hose. You see the water, right? Of course you do. You’re not blind. But now imagine that the hose is under water. Do you see water coming out of the hose now? What? You don’t? How peculiar. Wait, no it isn’t. You don’t see it because it’s water going into water. Duh.
Well stated, Bob.
But Twindaddy, they have to show the tears to help accentuate the fact that he’s crying. And it’s just a friggin’ show! Okay, fine. BUT, the tears which the ginormous CRT head cried soaked the computer/torso below it and shorted it out. Then it started smoking, and I’m not referring to a cigarette. This is idiotic for two reasons. One, the computer is already under the sea, and therefore, already soaked with water. How did the tears short out this inane piece of electronics and not the sea water? The second? Well, do you ever short out when you cry? Obviously if you’re crying your body produced the tears. You’re body doesn’t make anything that is harmful to itself. Except for methane. You shouldn’t inhale methane, but if you can have your sniffer right next to your ass when you fart you’ve got more problems than methane inhalation to worry about.
To sum this all perfectly up, this show is stupid and nonsensical beyond reason. As such, I should never be subjected to this absurdity, willingly or no. I find it unfathomable that anyone even likes this show. What a horrible, horrible program.
Do you like this horrid show, dear reader? If so, why? And shame on you.
Other Unshitty™ stuph™ you may enjoy:
It makes about as much sense as anything else in the world.
No, no. There are many things that make more sense than this. Like, well, everything.
Name one.
Romantic Monday.
Love makes sense?
Romantic Monday does.
It does, but only because I threatened it if it didn’t.
But it still does.
I’m sorry, the ontology office is closed for the holidays. Come back tomorrow.
Only because it’s my blog.
Still, you will.
Indeed.
Forsooth. I’ll let you have the last word.
Um…
Way funny, thanks for the laugh/cry. You saw that Shit and your brain cells didn’t commit a revolution? You are indeed the master.
Wow, another thank God I don’t have a tv moment. I’ve never seen the show bc some things I refuse to do.
You’re lucky. If you can avoid it, do so at all costs.
I plan to. I could feel my IQ shrinking as I was reading and asking Dafuq?
BTW, I think they have ways to block shows. That is one way to go.
Yeah, its THAT bad.
I will.take your word. You changed your avatar…nice.
Thanks to Goldfish, yes.
Maybe they are reacting pure sodium with the water to produce the fire?
That was….epic.
That is so cool! Had no idea pure sodium did that. o_O
So sweet! The outcome was worth the buildup.
Reblogged this on cftc10.
Uh, hey. I have seen you around on some of my favorite people’s blogs… Hotspur, Cheeky Diva… that is you, right? I don’t know why I haven’t stumbled upon one of your posts before now. This was awesome. I am so glad to know that someone is out there over-thinking things for me, because I tend to not do that. I am so good at under-thinking that I can go for weeks without doing any thinking at all. So keep up the good work. I feel safer.
No problem. I do all kinds of thinking.
I realized after I typed that that it might have come across as sarcastic, but I didn’t mean it that way.
Really? I thought you came across as saying you don’t think. Maybe I read that wrong…
I mean the being glad that you were doing the thinking for all of us part.
Oh, you might regret that. I’m not fit to lead, or think, for anyone. But I’ll do so happily!
Better you than me.
I don’t know….
You just have to trust me on this. I might be able to think my way out of a paper bag… if you leave the to open… maybe.
I don’t even have any paper bags. Mine are all plastic. I’m so insensitive to the environment.
But what if you have to fill one with poop… I am going to assume for the sake of argument that is dog poop… and put it one someone’s porch and lite it on fire. Burning plastic is worse for the environment. Of course for the sake of the joke, it would be great because it would stick the victims shoes like napalm…
Who needs a bag? I’ll just use a shovel to put the dog poop on someone’s porch and light it that way. Ha! He called the shit poop.
I tried that, but shit doesn’t burn without help and if you add a flammable substance, that is called arson.
Shhhhh….you’re throwing off my groove
sorry.
Beware the groove.
Okay, but I still sort of like SpongeBob now and then… just a little.
*sighs* Unacceptable.
I am not proud of it…
That’s something, at least.
I am a very conflicted individual.
So it seems.
I am complex… or I have a complex… whichever.
Yes. I concur. Like a doctor.
That is the simplex explaination… ha… don’t get to do a herpes joke very often.
Well done. Good form.
Once again, not really proud of myself, but thanks.
Now I’m really glad I’ve never been subjected to this stupid show.
I’m glad for you.
I don’t think there would be enough therapy.
Pfft. Therapy? No. I’m medicated
I’ve already started the I.V. of wine…after today it is very welcome in my blood stream.
Woohoo!
Let the creativity begin *rubs hands together and positions them over keyboard*
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
This is what concept development of Spongebob looked like.
“Yo dude, I reckon I could write a cartoon about anything and people will watch it.”
“Nu-uh.”
“Yu-huh.”
“Nu-uh.”
“Can so too!”
That, sadly, is prpbably closer to the truth then I care to admit.
Unfortunately my grandson loves the show and I am forced to watch it with him when he is here. I find it insanely stupid and silly. On the good side, my grandson lives a 6 hour drive away, so I’m only forced to watch it 5 to 6 times a year. I can stomach that just to get to see my grandson. Someday he will outgrow his obsession with Sponge Bob, I hope!
I hope for your sake that he does.
Most SpongeBob fans I know are adults…or have adult bodies. Calling them adults is giving them too much credit.
Yes, this is true. I don’t know anyone that likes it…that I’m aware of.
The worst thing about dumbbob square pants is how the stupid song gets stuck in my head for days. My kids are watching The Amazing Adventures of Gumball. Now there’s another example of kid show crazy. It’s got some funny bits the first time you watch each ep, but by tenth viewing the jokes just die. But really a rabbit married to a cat? With one cat kid, one rabbit kid and one giant pet goldfish that doesn’t need water. On today’s torture a giant T-Rex called Tina (that they go to school with. Yep.) steals a toy from the bunny kid and they have to get it back. Total insanity.
Oh wow. That sounds more horrible than SpongeBob. I’m so sorry.
Let me share the burden, I mean joy…
You’re welcome
Gee. Thanks.
There is probably one other show that I would match to this level of mind numbing, lower-your-IQ type, and that is ‘Honey Boo Boo’. I refuse to watch that show too. Just the commercials are enough for me to not be able to stand it.
Ugh. I was blissfully unaware of this crime against television until recently. Honey Boo Boo? Ain’t nobody got time for that!
True that. I certainly will not make the time. But I’ve seen them talk about it on talk shows and, sadly, my local radio station host LOVES her and plays clips every so often. I can’t even understand what they’re saying most of the time.
One reason why I don’t listen to the radio. No commercials and no Honey Boo Boo. Winning!
Whew, I thought there was something wrong with me for not getting the Sponge ‘humor’. There’s an entire hunk of my family that adores that cartoon. They watch it in their Spongebob yellow playroom. Gah!
Ew. Disown them. Now.
See, this is why I hope you become the Le Clown’s Wrangler. You give good, practical advice. (And you wrote a great essay!)
*bows* Thank you kindly, madam.
*hops on one foot* Sorry, I don’t curtsy well.
Well done. That’s much better and more entertaining than a curtsey anyhow.
This is one of 1,000,000 reasons I won’t be having children
Whaaaaa?!?!
Legit. Mama’s ovaries are closed for business.
Oh, seriously? How come? If you don’t mind me asking…
The real answer is, I just never wanted them. Not sure why, but I just never had that desire. I think my biological clock drowned after all of my binge drinking.
The funny answer is here: http://sipsofjenandtonic.com/2011/08/10/a-straight-shot-to-the-babymaker/
Oh, that’s cool. Just curious.
How can you say that about SpongeBob? SpongeBob is brilliant! He can cook under water, with a grill and everything. A sponge COOKS, that is amazing!
Or maybe my mind is messed up with too much Bob the Builder and Dora the get-there-already Explorer from babysitting my niece. Spongebob is preferable.
Also Plankton and his computer are adorable. They’re in love. She’s his SO, his wife.
….. Clearly I need help.
Clearly. We were getting along so well…until this.
I actually despise this show… Thank you for sharing my sentiments.
Also, I loved your captions to all the photos.
I’ve only had the misfortune of seeing it a couple of times, but that is quite enough to know that it is the suck.
I’ve never seen the appeal of Spongebob. I like cartoons, but this one does nothing for me. I even tried watching it under the influence once, and still nothing.
That’s how you know it’s bad. If you don’t find it funny while drunk then it’s just not funny.