What’s with all the morbidness? Is that even a word? I mean, you guys just had us write our own obituary just a few short weeks ago, and now you want a eulogy? Are you planning to kill us all? You do know that the world didn’t end, right? Geez….
Blunt Life Coach™ speaks: Today, we are here to celebrate, for reasons beyond my comprehension, the life of Twindaddy, beloved father and dedicated stormtrooper for the Empire. Unfortunately, there are only family members here and I’m giving this stupid speech because no one else wanted to do it. I’d like to say fuck you guys for making me do this. I didn’t even like him. But, I shall try my hardest to regale you with the fond memories I have of this loser. Um, I mean great man.
I remember one time when we were in the Academy together there was this kick-ass party we both went to. Twindaddy wore his armor to the party because he thought he looked bad ass in it. He did, but it wasn’t because of anything he did. The armor just makes anyone wearing it look bad ass. Anyhow, he drank so much Corellian Ale that night that he vomited. Before he could get his helmet off. Why he kept his helmet on all night is beyond me, but he was so proud to have it he wouldn’t take it off. And he almost choked on his own vomit. It was hilarious. He never did quite get the smell out of his helmet, either.
When I think of Twindaddy I think of a man who thought he was funny. He tried to make jokes and he was usually the only one laughing. But at least he had fun. He enjoyed life. He truly did. And that is proof to me that ignorance truly is bliss. Twindaddy was incredibly ignorant, yet the happiest man I’ve ever known. Hardly anything ever got him down. He would always joke about his circumstances, even when they sucked. He was loyal. Even to people who didn’t like him, like me. He was always willing to help me and I was always willing to take advantage of it. I’ll miss him for that reason alone. I’ll have to do a lot more of my own work now, and that is the suck.
It took as all by surprise when Twindaddy kicked the bucket. We were all used to him sticking his head up his ass, but never in our wildest dreams could we imagine that he’d get it stuck up there and suffocate. It is my fondest hope that he at least wins a Darwin Award for that. If there is a truly hilarious and asinine way to die, that is it. And it should be recognized for its originality and stupidity. When I first heard the news I attempted to stifle my laughter, but I could not. Luckily I had my helmet on and my hysterical laughter was mistaken for crying. Although, I suppose by telling you that I just revealed my secret. Oh well. Like I said, I didn’t like him anyhow. And I like him even less now because I have to sit up here and talk about him. Asshole.
Twindaddy is gone now. This is not the time for us to grieve his life but it’s our time to celebrate his death. Or is it the other way around? Oh, well. I can’t help but notice there is not a dry eye in here and it made me realize that there really is such a thing as “tears of joy.” In fact, my eyes are starting to water just a little bit and I can’t remember a time when I’ve ever been happier. So here today, let’s take a moment of silence before we bury the bane of our existence. The thorn in our side has been removed and we should all thank the Force for that. Good riddance, Twindaddy. May the Force have mercy on us all.