[Editor's Note: The following is another adventure of Mummy and Klaus, penned (typed?) by NotQuiteAlice. This is her second post in what will likely be an on-going series that she has decided she wants to post on this here weblog. I'm not quite sure why. She's so weird.]
How could it have gone wrong? I mean seriously, how did it go so wrong? I had it perfectly planned. All of my calculations were correct. Okay, I know what I didn’t factor into my calculations. Mummy. I didn’t figure out how he would factor into everything. Mental note to self, keep him away from Opium.
It all started of quite simple, really. After picking up my new sidekick, we headed over to my place. I had to warn him, whilst being OCD, my place would not reflect it.
“Don’t touch the piles. They’re organized, kind of, I cannot afford a setback, so do not touch anything unless I say you’re allowed to.”
“Shall I even ask what is in those piles?”
“It’s not important unless I say so. Okay, I’m going to say so. Please find in pile 13, the diagram that is marked 4B.”
“You actually expect me to find that in this!? Are you crazy? Actually wait, don’t answer that. You’ve obviously skipped your meds today and are taking it out on me.”
He had started mumbling to himself after that. I had given him a map to the piles, so he should have been able to find it relatively easy. After all, it’s not like I asked for the needle that I hid in the pile of hay! Hmm, I wonder if he would look for that? I’ll have to try that later.
I begun to turn on the laptop and grab some Dr. Pepper. It helps me think, especially when I know the tea seems to have disappeared sometime yesterday. Oh yeah, that’s what lead me to him, I was out to go get more. I really need to write this down, or I’m going to forget again.
“Have you found the diagram yet? I think you’re going to love this idea. Or you won’t, but I don’t care. I’m going to show it to you. What are you doing? No, don’t do that. I told you to just touch pile 13, not mix pile 1 and 3.”
“It’s a 1 and a 3. Thus it’s 13. See, now they’re really 13. That is what you asked. And here is a diagram, or well half of one, it seems the rest is somewhere, but alas, I cannot recall freak where it went.”
“Do I really have to do everything myself? Go sit there. And please, for Frak sake, remove Klaus from pile 8, or my earlier plan to take you out might actually succeed. There are some rather fun chemicals in there that will not mix well with him.”
“Don’t worry about Klaus. He knows what he is doing. I’m more worried about you. How do you think that this is supposed to work? Do you honestly expect this moronically idiotic plan to succeed?”
“This is not idiotic. It’s pure brilliance. I told you, what are most people obsessed with? Think of the average pox covered teenager, the people stuck behind desks in server rooms, those that cannot go anywhere without wanting to be number one. Those that are obsessed with winning. What do they all become obsessed with?”
“Oh you mean yourself? You’re obsessed with taking over the world, trying to rule them all.”
“Don’t sass me mister. I’ll unwrap you. Don’t think I won’t.”
“Oh yes, because you are the mighty master. The great and wonderful wizard. How can I do your bidding today? Is that what you are expecting me say? You really must be off your meds if you think I’ll do your bidding just so. Fool.”
“Fine, just sit there, don’t help me. Klaus will be more helpful than you would be anyways.”
Great, so now the one who is suppose to be mirror twin, my other half, now thinks he is too good to help with this plot. I’ll show him. Just watch. I’m going to finish coding this game, and then watch, the world will be putty underneath my fingers. I’ll be able to take over without anyone being the wiser. Mwahaha. This is it, the perfect plan.
I did sit and finish coding the game. It’s the perfect game. An MMO that you cannot win. You can get hints and get further along by sending money, real money, and before you know it, you’ve spent your whole life savings to try to win what cannot be won. Just to finish saving, then I’ll do a test run after I eat.
I glanced over to see what Mummy was doing. Drinking tea. Where did he get tea from? I’m completely out, thus again, how I met him. This cannot be right. I’ll ask him about it after I eat. Wait, where is Klaus? I seem to remember him over at pile 8, the chemical pile, but now, I don’t see him. Oh goodness, I hope he didn’t find Nitroglycerine. We could all be very screwed then. I best find him before I eat.
I walk over to start digging through pile 8.
“You won’t find him there.”
“And you know this how?”
“He went for a walk. He won’t be there.”
“You best hope so because as I warned, this pile has chemicals in it, and things could get a bit messy in here.”
I walk over to the kitchen, and to my astonishment, there is a meal waiting for me, and a Klaus is over there at the sink washing dishes. Ok, this is a new one to me. Klaus cleans and cooks? Did I know this? Did Mummy know this? This could become something great! I could finally have this place cleaned. I’m also always forgetting to eat.
I decide to sit down and eat. Grilled Cheese and Tomato sandwich. Oh this is so good. A little basil in there, yum! It doesn’t have to be a glamorous dinner, just as long as it’s good.
After handing my dishes over to Klaus to finish washing (hey, I’m going to fully take advantage of this, don’t judge! ), I headed back to the laptop.
What the Frak! My program has already gone live! I know I didn’t do that.
“What did you do Mummy! You told me you didn’t want any part of this plan. You said it was beneath you, so what did you do, and why?”
“Simple. I made it better. My tea helped me to see the errors of my way. It showed me that I can take your idea, and expound upon it. Now, everything is so much better!”
“Mummy, don’t mess with my plans!”
“I didn’t “mess” with your plans as you said. I simply made it better. You can thank me now for that. By the way, do you want some tea?”
“There’s no tea in this house, how did you get some?”
“I made it. It’s from herbs and poppy. It helps me think better, clearer. You really should have some, perhaps it will calm you.”
“Frak you! You’re high. You’re on opium. I’m surprised you’re not hallucinating.”
“I’m not high, I’m thinking. And I do not hallucinate; I just am able to see clearer than you. I can see the bigger picture, you just don’t want to.”
“The bigger picture is just as clear to me, you’re just seeing the wrong picture. I see the takeover coming soon, and I see it being you and I, or just I, since you said you’ve changed your mind and do not want to partake.”
“That’s because you’ve become an asinine idiot. If you would have just listened to me to start with, we would not be having this dialog.”
“Do you know how frustrating you are?”
“Yes, Klaus tells me all the time. Any more questions, or would you like to see what I did?”
Wait, Klaus tells him? Now does that mean Klaus really talks, or is this when he has been drinking his “tea”? This could get interesting. Maybe bringing him home was a mistake. Mom always did say, don’t talk to strangers, but is he really a stranger or is he just strange like me?
“What did you do Mr. Frustrating?”
“I’m so glad that you asked me, my young padawan. Come, look and marvel upon the glorious creation of mine. The wonderful baby I’ve created.”
Oh no, I just have this feeling of dread. It’s an all-over-tingly feeling. This cannot be good at all. Don’t look, don’t look, don’t look. Seriously, do not look, you will regret this. I’m not joking, there is no way this will be good. Stop it! Don’t look, you’re going to regret this. But I cannot help it. I have to see it.
“Mother Fraker! Mummy, I don’t know what to say.”
“Say, Thank You Mummy.”
“More like I hate you Mummy! All that work, that glorious work and planning and more work. All the hours of coding. Gone! It’s all gone. No more barbarians, no more elves, no more dragons. They are all gone! Instead… instead…”
“They were horrible. No one would want to fight each other. How could they, they were quite ghastly looking. Instead, I’ve created this beauty.”
“Beauty! There is no beauty here, just an explosion of rainbows, and bunnies, and sunshine!”
“You’re quite welcome.
Klaus! Where’s my hat? It’s time for your walk.”
How can I argue with that? What do I say to that? I cannot help but just hang my head and shake it. All those hours were for naught. Honestly, who would want to play Rainbow Bunny Island? Dragon Wars was going to be the best idea yet. People would pay to all the hints and bonuses they could. I would have all their money, and brainwash them, before they knew it, I would be their ruler. Now, I’d have to brainwash them just to get them to play this game. Unless. Unless what? Unless I can make them evil! Can it happen? Can they become evil. I will have to think about this. There has to be a way to salvage this.
I’m going to have to talk to him when he gets back. He best listen. Now, to find his tea stash.