You’ve been gone for almost 6 years now. I can’t believe it has been that long. Some days it seems as if it were yesterday. I remember it that vividly. People say it gets easier. People say anything in attempts to comfort.
5 days before you left, I asked if you were ok. To me you looked grey. You dismissed me with annoyance. I couldn’t get over the nagging feeling that something was wrong but I had to return home.
1 day before you left everyone was ecstatic. Your other daughter and her family which includes 5 grandchildren, the youngest of which was 5 months old began their move back to Mich. The plan was to stay with you til they could find a house. I said I wasn’t coming in that weekend but had every intention of doing so to surprise you…turns out the surprise was on me and us.
I received the call from mom on the day you left. She said you had a massive heart attack. Something immediately shut off. I told her I’d be there ASAP. I called my sister who was on her way up. She was crying, I wasn’t…she asked if I was sad…I responded that I was devastated and told her to make it home safely…we both did.
2 days after you left, the shock came. As we were trying to gather the documents required to prepare a funeral, we came across a case of “all natural cardio health caps” along with a note that said “to T from J…hope this helps” . Wtf…guess what J, it didnt help at all.
So this is where the anger came in…at you, me, God and this entire situation.
You – Because obviously everything was NOT fine.
Me – Because I reluctantly chose to believe you.
God – seriously, what should have been a joyous event turned into a clusterfuck. My sister did move back and we never got tired of hearing oh, this was how it was meant to happen..um K.
This situation – I don’t know if handling this differently would have prevented anything. In my mind your secrets killed you.
I don’t know why I’ve waited 6 years to write this. Maybe it is because I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel in my own situation and can possibly empathize while trying to dig myself out. It is much more difficult on the other side. All bitterness is gone.
We all keep you in our thoughts. Your beautiful grandchildren now range in age from 14 to 6. They celebrate your birthday with cake and they miss their Papa.
I miss my dad.