Day 6. I’m losing control of my faculties. Light continues to fade. It keeps growing darker in this hole. I’m losing hope. No one will ever find me in here.
Oh, wrong day 6. It’s actually my sixth consecutive day of participating in the Daily Prompt. We are in uncharted territory here. The final frontier. We’ve gone we no man, no one, has gone before.
By now you’ve surely deduced that my coffee is in full effect. I’m rambling already and we haven’t even gotten to today’s prompt. How fun is this going to be?
Ready, set, go! Prompt me!
One incident? Only one? Were I given that authoritarian power I wouldn’t be able to stop with just one event. I’d erase multiple events. Much like eating cookies, I wouldn’t be able to stop at just one.
But for the sake of staying within the rules I’ll….pfft….bwahahahahahaha! We know I eschew the rules around here. Perhaps I’ll turn this into a top 10 list a la David Letterman. In fact, that’s precisely what I’ll do.
And here, to present the Top 10 things that I would erase from my life were I given unlimited, god-like powers, is…..Blunt Life Coach™! Hey, I can’t keep him caged all the time…
Blunt Life Coach™ speaks:
Greetings, fuckers. I’ve been in reclusion recently due to the life events of that pathetic personality I share this body with. That idiot you all refer to as Twindaddy. What a pussy. He’s all, “Oh, life’s hard. Give me support. I’m starting a new chapter.” And then you guys were all like, “We’re here for you! Good luck! We’re praying for you.” Holy shit. Really guys? Twindaddy needs to grow a pair and you guys should be telling him that, not pandering to his attention whoring.
Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest we can continue on to the list of 10 things that Twindaddy, that douchenozzle, would erase from his life. He can refer to it as such. I’ll refer to it as the Top 10 most embarrassing moments of his pointless existence that made me laugh at him. They will be in no particular order.
- That time he got pantsed in the middle of an assembly in middle school. I laughed.
- Later on that day when he was running out of the gym after the assembly he tripped on a mat and went skidding across the gym floor. Everyone else laughed.
- Also in middle school, he was in study hall one day with no homework to do. He was bored, so he laid his head down on his desk. He eventually became so bored that he began making engine noises under his breath like he was accelerating and shifting gears. He then later realized it wasn’t quite as under his breath as he thought, and that those sitting near him could hear. What a tool. The looks he received were priceless.
- Twindaddy played baseball as a wee lad. He played catcher and thus was required to wear a cup (If you can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter – bonus points if you can name that movie). Prior to his first game his best friend from across the street was talking to him in the driveway when his dad came out and said, “Show him what your wearing,” and forced him to show his best friend his cup. Right there in the driveway. I relished this unsavory deed committed by his father.
- In the late 90′s while working in the stock room of Wal-Mart, he was climbing down a ladder and missed the bottom step causing his legs to spread apart farther than his pants would allow, causing them to rip from his crotch all the way down to his knee. He had to hide in the stock room until someone came back there, then give them 20 bucks to go buy him a new pair of pants.
- His very “first time.” Let’s just say that bull rides last longer than he did. I love telling that one.
- In the break room at Wal-Mart he was horse-playing with a female coworker. For reasons unknown, he decided to hoist her up onto his shoulders. In the process of doing so, he accidentally grabbed an entire handful of her vagina. He immediately turned 50 shades of red (aside: YOU SUCK E.L. JAMES!) and I laughed at his douchebaggery.
- Twindaddy was potty trained by his mother because his father couldn’t be bothered to do it. Obviously, men pee in different positions than women, so he was taught to pull his pants down when he pees. Fast forward to his first day of kindergarten. He has to go to the bathroom. He is unfamiliar with urinals, but he quickly deduces what they’re for, which is extremely uncommon for him. He pulls down his pants and enjoys the euphoric release of urine. Then, a group of sixth graders walk in and see his bare ass…and start laughing uncontrollably. It was epic.
- Twindaddy was forced to take piano lessons as a tween. The instructor lived just a few short blocks from his school, so he had to walk to the instructor’s house after school on the days he had lessons. On one particular day, he was halfway there and had a sudden urge to defecate. He clinched and penguin-walked with all his might, but his bowels won in the end. He pooped his pants before he could make it to the instructor’s house. How delightfully glorious.
- A couple of years ago Twindaddy had a bunch of friends and family over for a house-warming party. He somehow, and quite idiotically, consumed almost an entire fifth of vodka. He spent the majority of the night in the bathroom puking, and disappeared before all of the guests arrived. We both blacked out that night so I didn’t really enjoy any schadenfreude in this scenario.
That’s all the damage I can do to this panty-waste. Blunt Life Coach™, signing out.
Well, isn’t he a pleasant fellow? I have to let him out every now and again otherwise there’s internal conflict within…or something. Anyhow, it’s time for some fun! That’s right…Audience participation time!! What moment(s) would you erase from your past were you given a magic eraser?
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