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blog, blogging, Family, Hate, Hatred, Life, love, Online Writing, Ranting, Relationships, romance
Surely (yes, I just called you Shirley) everyone has heard the expression “there’s a thin line between love and hate,” right? I have never understood this expression. Well, not until recently anyhow. I mean, love and hate are two opposite extremes, yes? Love and hate are about as alike as Democrats and Republicans. Left and right. Up and down. Catholic and Muslim. Black and white. Cats and dogs. You get the point, right? They’re opposites. Good. Moving on.
So recently I went from loving someone fiercely to loathing someone intensely. I felt used, betrayed, mistreated, and deceived. All at once, my feelings for that person crossed that imaginary (or at least I thought it was imaginary) thin line, a line I never noticed was there, and I suddenly wanted nothing to do with that person again. If she were to disappear from the face of the earth I wouldn’t blink an eye.
I’ve been analyzing my feelings and how they came to be what they currently are. This is the first time I’ve ever intensely disliked someone I at one point couldn’t imagine living my life without. It’s a very alien and not altogether pleasant feeling.
The conclusion I came to is this: I gave this person my life. I gave her my heart. I placed it in her care. I trusted her with it. I expected her to treat it well. I believed her when she said forever. I believed her when she said she would do whatever it took to make us work. I believed her when she told me that she wouldn’t make me a single parent again. I put my faith in her.
Then she broke both promises. She shattered my trust. Not only did she not do whatever it took, she didn’t do anything at all to make it work. The sole responsibility to make everything work was placed on my shoulders. Last I checked, it takes two to tango. Not that I tango, but if I did I certainly couldn’t do it alone.
Resentment built. Anger crested. Hate flourished. It’s like there was a dam built in the river of my heart holding all my hatred at bay. Then, it was destroyed. I can’t stand being around her now. The sight of her infuriates me. The sound of her voice is like raking fingernails across the chalkboard. When she texts me my blood boils almost instantly. I want her to just disappear. Vanish. Take a permanent vacation. Quit this place forthwith.
Unfortunately that’s not going to happen. I’m going to have to deal with this for at least the next 16 years. I’m going to have a constant reminder of that betrayal. Every exchange. Every school conference. Every birthday. Every sports game.
It’s truly a sad thing when this line is crossed. Or broken. I haven’t decided which is the more apt term for it. My logical mind tells me that these things happen. People fall out of love. It sucks, but it happens. My heart, however, can’t get past the broken promises. It can’t get past the lies. The betrayals. It won’t forgive these things. Til death do us part? Evidently not.
Making things worse is that this person believes this is all totally acceptable. We, in her mind, should continue to be friends. Like nothing bad has happened. We should still be able to hang out. No bad blood. No blood no foul. But that’s not me. I’m not Jesus. I don’t turn the other cheek. If I’ve been wronged I’m not going to simply look past it. Bygones are never bygones.
When it comes to love and hate the heart rules. The mind is simply an innocent bystander asking, “WTF?” My heart is broken. My heart is shattered. Even a swiffer couldn’t pick up all the fine granules it has been reduced to. And for that, it hates you. For that, it will never forgive. For that, we will never be friends. For that, the thin line between love and hate has been exposed and crossed.
Query: Have you, dearest reader, ever crossed this line? Have your feelings for someone ever gone from love to hate more quickly than it takes minute rice to cook?
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Wow. I can’t even bring myself to hit the like button on this post. I’m so sorry your heart was broken by someone you believed in, and hope you will be able to move on and see she obviously doesn’t deserve you. I don’t even know you other than through your blog and can tell you if she couldn’t appreciate the loyal, intelligent, good father and overall good person you are, then good riddance. Be civil for your kids sake, and call it a day. Stay strong my friend, and don’t let those feelings of hatred change you! You got this!
Thanks, Wordy. My mission now is my own happiness and taking care of my kids. That’s my focus now. I’m not focusing on the hatred, but it crops up whenever I have to deal with her.
That’s exactly what your mission should be. Use those moments when you have to deal with her to set a good example for your kids. Keeping them in mind should help you through those difficult times. I’m rooting for you!
I do. I don’t do anything rash. I just don’t speak to her unless there’s a need. I can’t even look at her.
It’s amazing how quickly emotion changes when hearts get broken. Same thing happened when I got divorced and the sound of his voice makes me cringe now. Thankfully he didn’t pay his cell bill and he can’t text or phone anymore.
That’s good.
And the other comments are spot on…..she doesn’t deserve you – at all. Your boys will grow up in a happy, honest home and be thankful they have you as a role model.
I hope so.
There shouldn’t be any doubt…..their dad is a Storm Trooper….it doesn’t get any better than that!! And you’ve got blogging friends that have your back!!
Yes, I know. But my kids will only be with me half of the time. Who knows what will be going on that other half?
I used to live with a guy that had three kids and we had them two weeks on, two weeks off. It was a really tough way to live, for all of us. Their mom had no rules and we were the complete opposite. After a while, they appreciated the structure and spent more and more time with us – their choice. Kids are smart – they’ll figure it out.
Well, my kids (the twins at any rate) are somewhat like me in that they are nonconfrontational and don’t like to say things that might hurt somebody’s feelings. They don’t appreciate a lot of things that do on at the mother’s house, but are too afraid of hurting her feelings to say so.
That’s sad….it’s a tough spot for them to be in. My ex’s kids were the same way…not wanting to hurt their mom’s feelings. They just kept asking her if they could come back early to our place and after a while the time they spent with her was minimal.
I think things have gotten better progressively, but there’s a lot of fighting that goes on in that house and they don’t like that.
I don’t blame them….poor kids!
Yeah.
Well, I will hit the like and I will tell you why, honesty. It truly sucks that this has happened to you and I can sympathize but you are also shedding your thoughts and feeling with honesty and that is good to see. I grew up in a “broken” ( I hate that term by the way, it is not always broken, sometime it is better) and I had two resentful parents, one who bottled it all up until they got wasted and the other who was open and honest. I was fortunate to live with the honest one which helped me cope with my thoughts and feelings during my parents divorce.
I say do what you need to do with that person who hurt you, within reason, then when it comes to those little ones listen to the logical side of your brain. I do not know you personally but from what I have seen you share it seems like you are handling this well, all things considered. Stay strong and I hope things get easier over time. I have been there on some level and eventually the hate just leaves you, for me it was sudden and felt like a weight lifted off of me.
I honestly try to keep her out of my thoughts at all times and for the most part I’m succeeding. But I do have to see her at least three days a week when we exchange Baby C so I can’t escape her completely.
I know this will lessen in time, but I have a feeling my disdain for her never will.
Reblogged this on janneth95v16 and commented:
:3
I did have one breakup before I got married. But I didn’t hate him – I hurt too much. I’m not sure if I ever really hated him the way I have hated close friends who have turned. It’s not the same sort of love, but definitely a trust that’s broken. Maybe it’s because I’ve shared more of me with friends than I did with that boyfriend. I’ve been good friends one minute and worst enemies the next. I do not take betrayal well either. Who does?
I don’t know, but the expectation that I should take this in stride and still be her friend just floors me. Fuck that.
I concur. Like a fucking doctor. That’s a load of shit.
Yes, yes it is.
Yep. Been through that.
No kids involved, but the easiest way to deal with it was to deal with her in small doses, only when necessary, and never let teh conversation get off the topic.
Took a long time, but eventully, I could look back on teh good parts without teh revulsion.
Vent when you need to. If you bottle it up. It will just get you in the long run.
I have been. I’ve been lucky enough to find some good friends via WordPress who let me get it all off my chest. I am eternally thankful for those people.
Hey, Twindaddy, I don’t really have anything for you except a lot of hugs. That okay?
Yes, that is absolutely wonderful.
Naked hugs.
Oh wow. From you?
I would never usurp the naked bloggess!
Well, I would still take them. Just so you know.
Yup, lots of those too
That always makes me smile, NBG.
Yes I identify with your words. It is really difficult when children are involved. My ex only see’s the children about once a month so I don’t have to actually ‘see’ him regularly but even those short visits stress me out big time. You sound like a great dad who sadly ended up with the wrong person. Never a nice place to be and trusting anybody again is a tough call. Think i’ll just be a spinster with two kids and 30 cats, seems an easier option to me these days. Good luck to you.
Thanks, Jo. I don’t know where I go from here, but I know what my priorities are and that’s a good place to start.
Sounds like you have your priorities bang on. I don’t think my intense dislike has abated in the three years I have not been with him lol. Relationships suck eh x
They can when it comes to this. But there were very good times, too. Not sure what happened. I don’t know if it was her that changed or me. Or perhaps it was both. But for whatever reason, she decided she was done. So…I’m moving on.
I am hopeful for you and your kids that you find your own space of happiness and joy; the whole love to hate thing, I understand. But life does go on. You are obviously resilient and will manage to do what you need to for the sake of your kids’ well-being…
Oh, absolutely. My children always come first.
Thank you for your kind sentiments.
The short answer is, yes. It wasn’t as clear or quick with ex #1, but definitely with ex #2. Maybe it was because I had been through it before? I don’t know. It has been 5 years since ex #2 and I got divorced and I no longer hate him, but he still thinks everything should have been fine, that we are still “friends” (more so than just raising the kid and being civil). I like to think I have changed some but I don’t think he has much based on what he still says and does, so it never would have worked.
Sending you peace and strength during this. You are not alone and you know where to find me (and others) if you need it.
I do, and thank you.
Sorry that your ex wife has to be around for soooooo long. Ugh.
:::envy me now:::
My ex husband lives in another state. So…well…my life rocks in that regard.
You are lucky indeed.
Before I met the wife and embarked on the current adventure I am on, I was engaged to someone else. We lived together for 3 years, I asked her to marry me, she said yes, and everything was going great. And then, our dynamic changed. We took jobs working different schedules, we hardly ever got to see each other, and it put a strain on our relationship that wasn’t there before. It ended badly. The engagement ring was lost while she was walking on the beach with another guy… I had suspicions, I was full of jealousy, I was young and naive, and I still loved her deeply. Until she moved out of my house and in with that guy. I crossed the line when I found out…
The good news is that the pain of crossing that line does fade with time… it will, I promise.
I have no doubt it will. All pain fades with time, but it’s just a completely foreign feeling to me to hate someone who I used to love so fiercely.
It’s weird, no doubt. Not wanting to feel that way doesn’t help either, it just adds to the confusion and chaos.
I don’t have any really good advice either. I was surrounded by some very good and very supportive people afterwards, and I still was in a dark place for a long time.
I’m not really in a dark place. It really only happens when I have to interact with her. I do find myself occasionally thinking about us and wondering where it went wrong, but I quickly push those thoughts aside as they are not productive and ultimately have no bearing on where I go from here.
That’s good! I’m glad to hear you aren’t in a dark place.
And, as much as it feels weird, or wrong, to have flipped from loving to hating… I think those emotions are perfectly normal at the moment. You are okay to feel them.
Yeah, I kinda figured. I certainly didn’t choose to feel this way.
Hah! Good point. Well, until those feelings change, know that I’m sending you positive energy that you can rely on when you need it.
Thanks, DJ.
K, WOW,,,,i’m so sorry,,,,and confused,,,I thought you and ur wife were working things out? WTH happened,,,too personal email me nikkix2@live.ca
And,,,yes I have felt that way but it was with 2nd ex husband,,,it blew my mind for a long time how someone that swears your there life,,can not only beat the crap out of you,,and then move on to another person,,,like nothing ever happened,,and swears that the new person is the “love of their life now”.
It’s not nice,,but I was actually pregnant and lost the baby with this person,,and I often think back and say thank god it happened,,because I didn’t have to deal with him for 18yrs.
Take care of yourself twinn,,,and remember u have lots of friends here!!
We love you and go ahead and vent to us,,,we are here. xo
I wish I knew what happened. We were working on things and then she suddenly decided she no longer wanted to. I couldn’t tell you for sure. I honestly am no longer worried about it.
Be strong buddy,,,and don’t let the depression creep up on you. Email me if you need anything at all.
Strangely, my depression has been mostly in check. I guess the meds are in full effect which is probably handling it so well this time around as opposed to when I completely fell apart the last time.
I do have lots of support and those people know who they are and that I’m eternall grateful for them.
Thankfully I have not had to go through this. Stay strong.
I hope you never do. Divorce is a nasty fucking business and I fucking hate it.
That’s really tough TD. Good on you for writing it all out. I can tell you that I have experienced this very thing. I can also say that it wasn’t until I let go of the hate that I could really move on. I was not forced to deal with the person all the time though. That adds another dimension to it.
Yes, a very unwelcome dimension.
I’m working on letting go of the hate. But I guess I had to understand where it came from first, I don’t know. I just felt like I needed to articulate all of this.
Yeah articulation helps. Do you ever wonder why some people think the way they do? I mean who does that? And I wonder who I would be and where I would be if not for certain happenings. It’s not better or worse, it just is. And I’m rambling. You’re very strong and getting through this remarkably well TD.
I do wonder about people. All the time.
And for me it was just a comment. Nothing more than that. But a very negative one, and said at a time of great vulnerability, by someone I thought I loved. It changed everything in an instant. Like turning on a tap. Just like you describe so eloquently. It also haunts me, what was said, but to him is probably totally forgotten. I’ll bet he’s forgotten me too. I was probably just another notch in his belt.
I don’t know. It’s probably best not to worry about it.
Eventually, believe it or not that wall will crumble and disappear over time. My ex father in law passed away last night and him and I were very close. I am very sad at the loss and the fact that I am so far away that I can’t attend the funeral. If I were back in NY I would be attending even though it has been over 20 yrs since the divorce. We both are remarried and have moved on with our lives. I could care less about what my ex is doing. I feel badly for the loss yet I feel more so for my daughters loss of their grand father.
Yeah, me and her mom had gotten pretty close to. I don’t know if we’ll be able to stay in touch or not.
I like this not for the content, but for the raw emotion behind the well-chosen words. I’ve never experienced this phenomenon to that extreme, but I’ve had flirtatious with it. It’s an awful feeling to witness something that was once so good turn into something so ugly, especially when it involves you. Love and hate really aren’t that different though–it’s amazing how easy it is to veer off that line.
Yeah, I guess it is. It’s probably surprising to some that I’ve lived this long without it happening.
I think the thing that pushes us over the line isn’t the falling out of love. No, it’s the disappointed expectations that crush us — what might/should/would have been if only he/she hadn’t fucked it all up. That’s what sent me over that line, anyway. But I have been happy in the knowledge that my life in the long run turned out way better although it took time. Now I realized that if I’d married that guy, well, he’d be dead and I’d be in jail. But he introduced me to my husband. He came to my wedding. We still see each other on occasion and it is nice to see him.
I hope that knowing that through her you have Baby C will get you to that point sooner rather than later. Because really, that is what’s most important to you.
Hugs, my friend. (Oh, and this was beautifully written)
Thanks, Elyse. I don’t regret anything. I truly don’t. If I did then I would regret him and that would be horrible. He brings so much laughter in joy into my life that I just couldn’t imagine my life without him. He really is amazingly fun.
With that focus, your heart will heal much faster. And I’m pretty sure she’s the biggest loser here.
I like to think so. I was willing to do whatever it took, but my heart’s been broken too many times. I just can’t suffer it again.
Healing should be the goal now. As to falling in love again, que serra, serra. Whatever will be will be. Work on now and feel better.
I’m so glad you have this outlet.
I have no goals other than being happy and caring for my children. That’s it. If it happens it happens, if it doesn’t it doesn’t.
Bingo (no, I’m not recommending the game
)
Lol, good. I never was a fan of bingo. The game or the song.
When I become a fan is when I’ll know that there is nothing left of my sanity. My mother-in-law is in an assisted living place and they play bingo all day long. It’s a good thing the windows are locked.
I went to a bingo hall once. ONCE. It was so boring and smokey that my eyes literally hurt when I left. Never again.
I never did like the line “Let’s just be friends.” It’s such utter fucking bullshit. No, thank you. I do not want to be friends. My friends don’t fuck me over.
That’s what I’m screaming!
The pain is ridiculous. It’s why I think the line gets broken, not crossed. I’m glad you have this strong and powerful Stuph Maphia™ to stand by you, listen to you scream, and scream right along with you.
Me too.
I am so sorry you’re having to go through all this. I have family members who I dance that thin line with far too frequently and it is really painful and it makes me feel like a lunatic that I can go from loving them to loathing them fairly quickly. But it’s totally normal and it would actually be odd if you weren’t feeling the way you are. Most importantly, you are there for your kids. I know you take an incredible amount of joy in them so just keep them in the forefront of your mind when things get too hard to handle. xoxo
Thanks, Emily. I’m sorry you have to go through this far more often than I do. I can’t imagine.
Love. Hate. I could dedicate my whole life to writting about these two things, and still at the end of my life, not have them figured out. Love can be the most wonderful thing in the world and also be the meanest, most cruel things as well. Ii’m sure you know the time I dedicate on Tryst in writting about these two polar opposites. (I wrote one piece in particular called, “I hate to love you” … check it out sometime.
I don’t know what to say in this matter for you dear friend. It is hard to give advice on matters of the heart, a heart that is not my own. I can say this, listen to your innermost self, you will find the answers there. Oh, and don’t sacrifice your happiness! If you know what makes you miserable, stay away from it! Follow what makes you happy! XO
Thanks, Jen.
That sucks – the whole thing you described – but here’s the deal – you share children; so you can’t let your hate/feelings poison your children’s feelings for their mother. There’s nothing more conflicting for a child than to see the two people they love the most hating each other and making them feel guilty for loving the other (even if it’s unintentional).
I can’t imagine that you will sustain this kind of intense feeling forever – I hope you don’t b/c that’s a lot of hate to have in your heart and body – emotionally and physically. Time is what is needed – and it will come; things are raw right now.
You’re a good person with lots of greatness – don’t let this make you bitter – you have a lot to offer to yourself, your family and possibly another person down the line.
I’ve probably overstepped any boundaries that there were – so if I did – it was not with intent to wound, my friend. You’re better than hate.
This is why I heart you, Ladycakes. You have not overstepped your bounds. My children don’t know how intensely I dislike their mothers and they never will.
I know from experience what it feels like to have parents denigrate each other and I don’t want my children to ever be put in that position. Besides, I’ve got this blog to bitch about them on.
Yay! Aw – I heart you too! All these awesome people in blogsville bestow much hearting to!! I was worried you’d actually be really pissed off at what I wrote
Why would I be?
I don’t know – I just worry about stuff.
Um, well stop!
k
Don’t give me the angry k.
No no – it was the OK!
I’m not angry!!!
Uh huh. *eyes Ladycakes suspiciously*
hee hee… no no – I’m happy! It’s BIKRAM YOGA NIGHT!!!
Woohoo!!! I don’t know what that means but I’m excited!
hee hee – it’s a 90 minute session of yoga consisting of 26 postures, repeated twice, in a room that is heated to 105 degrees (F) and 40% humidity. You sweat like a mofo.
Sexy.
Well, once you smelled me, you might change that around.
Oh…I forgot to use the sarcasm font. Dammit…
hee hee… I don’t actually mind sweating – it’s very liberating to be able to just let go and sweat without caring.
I don’t know if liberating is the word for me, but it is nice sometimes to just go all out. But the shower afterwords is EPIC.
I’m sure a BIkram Denise Sweaty Beast post is coming down the line. I have to do one regarding one of my favorite guys DJ Dave – and I’m doing a guest post for The Hook – so I need to get motivated to sit and write- hopefully on the morrow.
Yeah, I need to do some writing myself.
It’s the easiest line to cross over for both have the same intensity. I’ve crossed it, without realizing.
I realized it. Just didn’t realize the line was there.
I didn’t. It just happened, I never noticed it happened until I felt this sickness thinking or being near the person.
Yup. That’s how I found out.
It’s just the way I guess it happens.
Yup.
Oh well. At least it’s best to find out. And figure it out.
I’ve got things fairly figured out for the most part.
That’s good.
Woohoo.
I’m so sorry, dude. I know the feeling. Nothing I say will make it go away. Keep your mind active on other things in the meantime. Time really does have a way of healing. This also might sound corny, but I’m not trying to be: grieve. That part is really important. It’s hard to accept, but grieving is so important.
I have. Me and my buddy alcohol. We cried together.
It’s not “business as usual” for you, because you were truly the one that was heart broken. I came home and found my ex in my bed with someone. Two days later he felt comfortable enough to approach me and ask “hey, what’s going on?” Obviously, one of us had much more invested in the relationship than the other. I know where you’re at and it sucks, but you can not let it control you. The best revenge is for you to be the happiest and best person you can be without her. Be kind, be civil and don’t look back. Good things are on the the way Twin!
I’m managing civil, I don’t know that I can be kind. I don’t think I have that in me.
Not yet…..maybe not for years. It’s so hard…even exhausting pretending, but it’s better than being angry. Big smiles tend to make people wonder…..
Eh, we’ll see.
I get you, I really do. The broken trust, the hurt, the anger, the never wanting to see the person again and yet having to, and knowing that if only that the other person had actually paid attention to what was going on things could be completely different.
Cryptic I know. But I understand what you’ve been through and you’re having to be a stronger person that I had to be (I was in the process of moving away anyway whereas you’ve got to deal with her almost daily).
*sends love, tea & sympathy*
Thanks, Faith. You can keep the tea, though. I drink coffee.
Fair enough, I can live with that!
Yay!
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