It’s time for more of my random thoughts. Most of you will probably run away screaming at that proclamation, but to those of you brave enough to stay, you need mental help. Know how I know that? We can see our own. Anyways, here we go….
It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these. This is just random crap that has popped into my head as I’ve been bored to tears at work. Let’a try a few of these out, shall we?
On my way to work this morning I was behind some sort of SUV. That in itself is not all that important and it certainly isn’t the reason I started this post. I’m sure that even you, dearest reader, have been behind an SUV at some point and you didn’t care either.
The reason that this SUV was notable to me is because it had a bumper sticker on the back of it that read:
A dog is for life, not just for Christmas
A likeness of the offending bumper sticker.
So I was Facebook stalking perusing my Facebook feed yesterday when I came across the following post…
For those that don’t know it, many years ago ABC made a cartoon series based on the movie Clerks. The series only lasted for 6 episodes before they shut it down. Anyone who has ever seen Clerks, or any Kevin Smith movie for that matter, should realize that no Disney-owned company should make a cartoon out of it. It is one of the most inappropriate movies that could’ve been turned into a cartoon on a Disney-owned channel. That got me thinking, however, about what movies (besides any porno) would make the most inappropriate children’s cartoon.
After discussing it with a couple of guys at work, we decided that the top of that list would have to be Schindler’s List, for obvious reasons. Some of the others that we came up with are: The Hangover, Pulp Fiction, From Dusk Til Dawn, and Any Given Sunday. There were more, but that’s all I can remember right now.
What do you think? What movie (or movie series) would make the most inappropriate children’s cartoon?
You know how flat-top stoves having a warning light on them that shines when the cooking surface is still hot so you don’t accidentally put your hand on the stove and burn the shit out of yourself and have to make an unexpected and extremely costly trip to the emergency room? Damn that was a long sentence.
Anyways…my idea calls for a similar product. For bathrooms.
Not long ago I made a trip to the restroom to urinate, or in layman’s terms, pee. Upon inhaling my first lungful of air I was assualted by one of the most horrid smells my nose has ever had the misfortune of smelling. I think it actually singed some of my nose hairs.
A dramatic reenactment of the cloud I unwittingly walked in to.
Then, I had an epiphany. Lightning struck my brain, and, yes, it hurt. But nevermind that now.
What if there was a warning light for bathrooms to notify you of, lets call it, impure air. If such a thing existed I could have been forewarned and saved my precious nose hairs and my traumatized olfactory glands. I could have waited. I could have used another bathroom. Or I could have at least shielded my nose with my shirt.
At the very least I could have used a clothes pin to protect myself from cruel and unusual odors.
If any inventors are reading this I’m willing to give up a majority percentage of any profits earned by my idea. My motives are mostly altruistic.
Please. Think of the noses.
I drove by a Tire Discounters store this morning and, as I was sitting in traffic, had time to read the sign outside the store. What the sign said dumbfounded me. Unfortunately, the light turned green before I could whip my phone out and take a picture of it. Plus it was raining and my windows was covered with water. So you’re going to have to take my word for what the sign said. It said:
The Mayan calendar says that now is the time to buy!
Sooooo…..let me try to understand Tire Discounter’s logic here. The world is allegedly coming to an end in 14 days so I should spend what little money I have left before the world ends on a new set of tires that I’ll only get to use for two weeks?!?!?
Seriously. Fuck that. If I’ve only got two weeks left to live I’m not wasting money on a set of tires. I’m going to go out and have the time of my life. I’m going to travel. See the world. Spend time with loved ones. And stay drunk until the 21st. My blood-alcohol level will be so high that I might combust if someone is smoking around me.
You know what I wouldn’t do with two weeks left until the end of the world? Buy a set of fucking tires.
Of course, none of this even matters. The world is not going to end on December 21st. If I believed that for a minute I certainly wouldn’t have spent so much money on Christmas presents. Or paid any of my bills for the last year or so. Or been responsible at all.
You know who should be using the phantom apocalypse to their advantage? Bars. Casinos. Vegas. Liquor stores. Drug dealers. Myrtle Beach. Atlantic City. Disneyland. Things responsible people want to do but don’t because they’re, you know, responsible.
So here’s to you, Mr. Stupid-Tire-Discounters-sign-maker-guy. You put the um in dumbass.
Have you ever noticed when you’re driving down the interstate or a highway that when you come upon a police officer who has pulled someone over that everyone slows down?
I have noticed this many times before. I noticed it yesterday, too. But then I started thinking; wouldn’t the best time to be speeding be when the cop is otherwise preoccupied?
Seriously, people. If a cop is out of his car giving someone else a ticket or in his car writing a ticket he’s not paying attention to his radar gun. Furthermore, even if he does happen to notice you’re speeding he (or she) is not just going to let the person he (or she) pulled over go just because you ignorantly sped by.
See? He’s too busy to concentrate on more than one thing at once. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
If you’ve ever seen Die Hard 3 you know what I’m talking about. The criminals wanted to steal all of the gold from the federal reserve bank. So what did they do? They told the police there was a bomb in one of the schools sending every officer available to search for the bomb while they cleaned out the gold.
Bruce Willis kicks ass, by the way. Yippy Kie Yay, mothafucka!
Same concept applies here. If a cop has already pulled someone over he or she will not be looking for another speeder whilst writing a ticket.
So quit slowing down, assholes!
Is it just me, or does anyone else laugh when they see a commercial for the Toyota Yaris? I can’t help it. Yaris sounds like the name of an STD.
“What’s wrong with him?”
“He’s got the Yaris.”
“Ooooooooooooh. That’s gotta hurt.”
