Surf Your Way Into Jail

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In the short time I’ve been following BrainRants I’ve found him to be witty, intelligent, articulate, hilarious, and crude.  And that’s my kind of people.  He has since become a member of the Maphia™ and I’m now a card-carrying member (huh huh) of the Rants Army™.

As always, folks, please ensure you visit our guest’s blog and click on the almighty follow button.  You’ll be sorry if you don’t.  Hell, you may even become a card-carrying member, like me.]

“The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.” — Fourth Amendment to the Constitution of the United States

I wrote a glib piece about proposed Amendments to our (American) Constitution a while ago as a lark, not really paying attention to the news article I read that sparked the idea. I found several respondent notions about strengthening privacy rights but ignored them. Then I came across another series of articles

Things I Should Not Be Subjected To: SpongeBob SquarePants

Okay, I’m done with the unfunny today.  We’ve had a romantic post. Awww.  We’ve had a serious post. Cut it out, Daily Post!  Now it’s time for some good ol’ ranting and bitching.  And maybe a dash of humor.  I hope.

Things I Should Not Be Subjected To: Incompetent Meteorologists

I have no idea what this guy’s saying.  But I know he’s wrong.  (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When I arrived at work this morning, I stopped for a moment before I got out of my car.  I brought up the weather channel app on my phone just to double-check what I had seen before this morning:  partly cloudy for some of the day and bright, bright sunshine for the rest of the day.

I wanted to leave my windows cracked.  For much of the last week, the heat index here has been over 100 degrees.  Most of those days I left the windows in my car rolled up as there was a chance of thunderstorms.  Allegedly.  Those storms never came here, though, and when I left work I was boiling for the first few minutes of my drive home.

So having confirmed that no rain was expected at all today, I cracked all four of my windows.  Guess what?  It rained.

I work in a server room.  That means there are no windows (to the outside anyway) in that room.  I had no idea it rained until I walked outside.  Luckily I didn’t crack my windows too awful much, and it didn’t appear that any of the rain got inside my car.  That, however, is beside the point.  I trusted the weather channel’s report that there would be no rain today and they were wrong.  Again.  Lesson learned, though.  I’ll never crack my windows at work again.

This whole ordeal got me thinking: why do people that screw up so often never get fired?  Think about it.  How often is the weatherman right?

I know meteorology isn’t an exact science, but c’mon. They have to at least be right more than never, right? Right? I mean, they said it was going to rain every day for a week and it never did. Doesn’t that guy have a boss somewhere saying, “Gee, Fred, your weather predictions suck?” If not then he should.

If I did my job incorrectly 75% of the time you can bet your ass I wouldn’t have a job any more. So why is it we tolerate this sort of failure on a regular basis from meteorologists?

Does anyone know where I can get reliable weather information?

Things I should not be subjected to: Lazy people

On most days I enjoy my job.  I work in an isolated room with just 4 other guys and rarely have to deal with people directly.  Most of my communication is done by email.

Today, however, was a day I didn’t enjoy my job.

We received two skids of computers today from an office that closed.  I had to take inventory of all of the returned assets to ensure that we had received them all. 

I asked my boss to help me separate them all out by model since they would need to be sorted that way on the inventory we took.

“I’ve been busy since I got here.  Find something to do at your desk for a minute and I’ll help you in a few minutes.”

Ok, first of all, he had only been at work for a little over an hour at the time.  It’s not like he needed a break.  Secondly, he went to his desk and started surfing the internet.  What the fuck?

After hearing the exchange, one of the other guys came and helped me sort the computers.

Then when it was time to scan them into inventory and stack them back onto the skid, he was nowhere to be found.  So two of the other guys stopped what they were doing to help me.  A few minutes after we finished, he shows back up in the office.  It turns out he was taking a shit the entire time.  How very convenient.

Then, throughout the day he kept giving me piddly shit to do.  Stuff that he could have done himself in the amount of time it took him to email me…from across the room.

This guy has actually called me from his desk twice in the past.  We work in the same damn room.  He is THAT lazy.  It’s apparently too much work to get up and take the ten step hike from his desk to mine.

I wouldn’t mind doing all of this work myself except for the fact that while I’m busting my ass he’s either on Facebook, reading blogs, or balancing his checkbook.

It’s starting to get old.

Furthermore, in a few short weeks, our 5 man team is going to be cut down to a 3 man team.  He’s going to have to help out then.  I hope.  I should be training to help replace one of the guys we’re losing but I can’t because he won’t get off his ass and help anybody.

I can’t stand lazy people.

Things I Should Not Be Subjected To: That movie that butchers the book

Photo courtesy of Wikipedia

Have you ever read a book so epic that when it’s announced that a movie based on the book is coming out that your excitement rivals that of a child on Christmas Eve?

Timeline by Michael Crichton was that book for me. I read that book probably three times in a row when it was first released. When the movie was announced about 10 years ago, I couldn’t wait to see this masterpiece on the big screen.

I’ve never been so disappointed in my life.

When I asked the twins what movie they’d like to watch the other day, this is the movie they choose.  I acquiesced and consequently seethed the entire time I was watching the movie due to how much the movie just totally ignored the book.  And it irritated me badly enough to warrant writing this irate post.

Richard Donner directed the movie and has made such hits as the Lethal Weapon series, Scrooged, Superman I and II, Conspiracy Theory, and The Goonies.  So you would assume that a director with such a pedigree combined with a novel written by Michael Crichton would be sure-thing, right?  Wrong.  Richard Donner butchered this story, which is surprising to me.

The book is about a company, ITC, that inadvertently discovers “time travel” which allows them to travel through a wormhole in the multiverse to the year 1357 using quantum technology.

The beginning of the book centers on an archaeological dig in medieval towns of Castelgard and La Roque in France. ITC is funding the dig. The professor leading the dig, Edward Johnston, becomes suspicious about the information ITC has been providing, which is far too accurate for the towns they are just no unearthing. He travels to ITC headquarters in New Mexico where he finds about the ability to “time travel.” He coerces ITC into sending him back to 1357 and becomes separated from the team and gets lost in the past.

The rest of the team finds out that Johnston is trapped in the past while excavating a newly found room in a monastery which has been buried and deserted for over 600 years. The team initially fears that their professor has played a practical joke on them, but after three carbon-dating tests, they confirm that the parchment and ink are both 600 years old. They confront ITC when they cannot get a hold of the professor and ITC sends a plane to bring them to ITC’s New Mexico headquarters. There the professor’s fate is revealed to them and ITC’s CEO, Robert Doniger recruits the team to go back to 1357 to find the professor.

The movie flies through the beginning so fast that by the time the archeology team goes back in time you have no idea what is going on. Then, in the biggest omission from the book, the movie does not use the ear pieces that were a centerpiece in Crichton’s novel.  In the book, the team is sent back with biodegradable ear pieces so they can communicate with each other.  They use the ear pieces to find each other when separated. In the movie they find each other through blind luck. There is also an ex-ITC employee in the past who uses the ear pieces to capture the team. In the movie, it’s a mere coincidence that he captures them.

The casting is horrible in this movie. Gerard Butler, who I think is a terrific actor, is cast as Andre Marek. In the book, Andre Marek is described as dark-skinned. In the movie he’s very white and Scottish. And Andre Marek is not a very Scottish name. Professor Johnston is not described as Scottish, but he is in the movie. Paul Walker is cast as Chris, Professor Johnston’s son (in the book, this character’s name is Chris Hughes and is not the professor’s son). Paul Walker is a horrible actor so he has a straight American accent because that’s all he can do. So, in the movie we’re supposed to believe some Scottish Guy has a son that doesn’t sound Scottish. Right.

There are many other discrepancies between the book and the movie. In the book there was a pretty epic fight on a watermill that ended up getting blown up but that is completely omitted from the movie. The tunnel to La Roque is found in some house at the base of a waterfall, not in the monastery like it was in the movie. Also, everyone sent to the past was given a “marker,” which is a device you use to go back to the future (1.21 jiggawatts!!!). In the book the markers are good for three days. In the movie they’re only good for six hours.

Ugh. I could probably go on and on (and on and on), but I just don’t understand why Hollywood feels the need to change the stories of books when adapting them into movies. The book is obviously great the way it is otherwise you wouldn’t be making it in to a movie. So leave the damn story alone and just make the movie, will you people?

Related articles

• Movie Adaptations (undiscoveredauthor.wordpress.com)
• Books vs Movies: The Complementary Battle (susansheehey.wordpress.com)

Things I Should Not Be Subjected To: Obvious Instructions

I just got home from work a little bit ago, and I’m starving.  My wife is at the doctor with a friend who had hurt her foot so I texted her to ask if I should wait for her to get home to eat or if I could go ahead and make something for myself to eat.

My wife replied that she’s just now leaving and that she was going to make the salmon fillets we bought at the store last weekend.  I decided to go ahead and make dinner; that way I will get to eat sooner and it will be ready by the time she gets home.

I yanked the two boxes of salmon from the freezer and read the instructions.  Bake for 14-16 minutes at 400 degrees.  Got it.  I open the box and each box has two fillets in plastic bags.  I grabbed a pair of scissors from the drawer to cut them and just as I’m about to open the first one I notice words on the side of the bag.  This is what it said:

Important:  Remove fillet(s) from plastic bag before cooking!

Are you fucking kidding me?  Who needs to be told this?  I mean, thank God it said that because I was about ready to throw the fillets in the oven, bag and all.  The warning didn’t include what the consequences of failing to comply would be but I can only assume they are dire.

I’m sorry if this isn’t PC or if this may seem a bit rude (am I?  am I really?), but if you don’t have the sense to take your food out of a plastic bag before cooking it then you deserve whatever happens to you.  Perhaps you’ll even win a Darwin Award.

I believe the single biggest problem with the human race currently is that natural selection has been eliminated.  Smart people protect the dumb people from themselves.  So instead of the dumb people dying from their own stupidity (trying to use the hair dryer in the shower, for example [yes, hair dryers tell you not to do that on the side]) they live on. . .and then breed.

I know these warnings aren’t necessarily the idea of some smart person trying to help a dumb person, but are created to prevent a lawsuit from the family of some poor schmuck who failed to realize that the platform on his folding ladder was only durable enough to hold a can of paint and not his entire body.  That being said, however, smart people need to quit protecting dumb people.  If a family sues then the judge should hand the family an “I’m stupid” sign, a la Bill Engvall.  Then the judge should fine the family for attempting to extort money from a decent company that put a sign on the tray that said the weight limit was 20lbs.  Really, nobody should make money because they’re related to an idiot.

This post kind of turned into a tangent, but I honestly can’t stand for the obvious to be stated.  If you have to be told things that normal people can plainly see or figure out easily, then you should suffer those consequences and learn from your failure as a human being.

Things I Should Not Be Subjected To: Everyone and their smart phones

My wife’s company had its holiday party tonight.  Don’t ask me why they have it 15 days into the new year.  I don’t know.  But it makes no sense to me either.

So we went to the party, which was at a country club.  I was uncomfortable right off the bat because I had to dress nice for the damn party.  Then we got there, and the place is crawling with pretentious snobs.  I can honestly say that until tonight I’ve never seen anyone dress up in expensive clothing, drink wine, and watch football.  Football should be watched in casual attire while drinking real alcohol (beer or liquor) while eating junk food and BBQ.  Or pizza and wings.  But that’s not what I’m here to bitch about.

I don’t really know the people she works with so I spent most of the time watching the Patriots/Broncos game while my wife mingled with her friends.   The party ended at 10 and her and her girlfriends wanted to keep hanging out, so we decided to go to an English Pub.

So we went to the pub and we’re all drinking and socializing and such, when I notice something:  every damn one of her friends (7 of them) had their damn smart phones out updating shit on Facebook.  Why?

Is this what society is coming to?  Is nothing valid or genuine unless it’s posted on that intrusive site?  What was so important that they all had to get on Facebook at the same time?  Why not put the phones down and actually talk to the people in front of you instead of the people of Facebook who probably won’t see whatever the hell you’re updating until tomorrow?  I’m all for using Facebook to stay in touch with people but when those people are in the same room as you I don’t really see the point.  It’s also extremely rude to just whip out your phone and do whatever it is you’re doing on it when someone is talking to you.

One of my friends had actually came to the Pub for a bit and she and I both agreed that it was somewhat sad and it annoyed both of us equally.  It was like a group of zombies that were just frozen, captivated by what was on their screens.  I just don’t get it and, quite frankly, don’t want to.  Ugh, this is so stupid I don’t even know how to end my post.  So…it’s over.

Things I should not be subjected to: Body odor

Yeah, it was THAT bad.

Have you ever walked by a person and a second after they pass a noisome stench bitch-slaps your olfactory glands?  A smell so bad that your eyes water and your lungs threaten to strike?  A funk so mephitic that it drops flies?  That happened to me today.  To make things worse, it was blatantly obvious that this person was not wearing any antiperspirant as evidenced by the huge pit-stains on that person’s shirt.

Do people with body odor just not realize how awful they stink?  Why is that grown-ass adults do not wear deodorant?  I mean, does walking in that malodorous cloud all day make them immune to their own putrid odor?  Or do they just not care that they smell so foul that any glass that is in a 5-foot radius of them melts?

Furthermore, how do you politely tell said person that their utterly noisome aroma is raping your gag reflex?  I didn’t want to say anything to this person before because it just seems rude to tell someone that they smell like they’ve been swimming in a flooded landfill for 5 hours.  But now that I think about it, it’s even more rude to walk around smelling like that.  I literally had to hold my breath each time this person came by otherwise I would choke on the very air I was trying to breathe.

You know, I don’t recall ever having to take a personal hygiene class when I was in school, but I don’t think it would hurt anyone to add this to every school’s curriculum.  The amount of people who neglect basic hygiene nowadays confounds me.  Simple things like brushing your teeth, washing your hair, or putting on some deodorant.  Or, you know, taking a fucking shower.

Do these people not ever want to get laid or are there people (way) out there that aren’t bothered by this loathsome smell?  Body odor has a very distinct scent and I’ve never met anyone who isn’t completely disgusted by it, so I therefore wonder if people with BO worry about scoring or are there other people out there with the same repulsive snuff that don’t notice this horrible, horrible noisomeness.

Is this their logic? Or are they just too lazy to bathe?

Conversely, how do those of us that actually bathe and use those neat little roll-on sticks smell to those who are perpetually surrounded by fumes, a la Pig Pen?  I wonder if they are offended by a savory fragrance?  Do they rant about those of us who go out of our way NOT to peel paint off walls with effluvium emanating from our bodies?

I digress.  Please people, it literally takes seconds to apply antiperspirant to your under arms.  I know, because I do it every day.  And guess what?  I don’t smell like Sasquatch fucked a tuna fish.  Trust me, that is something you DON’T want to smell like.  Oh, and take a shower while you’re at it.  And wash your hair.  And maybe even comb it…

Things I Should Not Be Subjected To: Radio

I don’t normally listen to radio.  However, when I do, I listen to it in the car and in the car only.

Recently, I got tired of the music I had in my car and keep neglecting to burn myself a new CD, so I’ve been listening to the radio.  Occasionally I find some new stuff that I like, but normally I just end up annoyed with the crap that gets broadcast over our airwaves and remember why I quit listening to the radio in the first place.

The biggest reason I don’t listen to radio is commercials.  When I’m in the car, I want to be listening to music, not idiots telling me to buy their product or, even worse, commercials that attempt to be funny but inevitably fail miserably, and that’s worse.  Although I have found out at work that you can tune into Q95 from Indianapolis (the flagship station of Bob and Tom) via iHeart radio and they have very few commercials and play a lot of Bob and Tom pieces during the commercial breaks. I can deal with that even though they play a lot of the same pieces over and over (and over and over again).

The second thing that pisses me off about radio is that most stations don’t tell you the name or the artist of the song that is about to play or just finished playing.  If I hear something I like how am I supposed to know who the artist or song was so I can purchase the music?  Radio stations do their listeners and the musicians a disservice by not performing this one simple task.  The only station I know of in the Nasty Nati that does this is Q102, which sucks so I don’t listen to it.  Even worse is when the station gives only half of the information.  For example, I was listening to 96Rock on the way home yesterday and the DJ says, “Here’s some Soundgarden” without saying the name of the song.  I did happen to know that song, but what if I didn’t?  Sure I can look online and figure it out, but if you take the time to tell me who the artist is why the hell can’t you spare an extra fucking second to tell me what the name of the song is?

Lastly, DJ’s suck.  They go on and on and on about stupid shit.  Then they try to be funny as well, and it’s just painful to listen to.  DJ’s should not attempt to be funny.  If they were funny they’d invariably be comedians and not DJ’s.  For any DJ’s out there that might by some freak coincidence read this:  stop talking and play the damn music.  I don’t want to listen to your sophomoric and lame attempts at humor.  Tell me the name of the song you’re playing and then play it.  When it’s time for commercials, don’t talk.  Just get them over with so you can get back to music.

Luckily, I asked for (and received) a gift card and some extra cash to get a new car stereo for Christmas, so I’ll be getting one with a USB interface.  This way I can have all the music I want with me without having to resort to turning on the radio.  Well, except for Bob and Tom, of course…

Things I Should Not Be Subjected To: Holiday Edition

1. Idiots that put antlers as decorations on their cars.

2. That lame “I want a hippopotamus for Christmas” song. It’s not funny. It’s annoying.

3. Asshole shoppers.

4. As twindaddy alluded to: stupid holiday commercials.

5. Radio stations that start playing only Christmas music on November 1.

I’m sure I’ll think of more, but feel free to add your own in the comments.