Thoughts From the Throne: I bestow upon thee my most productive thoughts while I…uh, well, you know. Try not to think about it while you’re wading deep in the exquisite pool of thoughts contained in these epic posts.
“A butt ban!” you’re most certainly thinking, “Has Twindaddy lost his mind?”
Yes I have, dearest reader, but that’s not relevant to this post. Well, maybe it is. Look, I’m not sure. Whatever.
You see, I’m not thinking of anything so ludicrous as banning shapely, luscious butts.
Such as this. Niiiiice.
Neither am I thinking of banning leviathan, cellulite-laden butts.
Such as this. Holy Schnikey!!
No, my suggestion is far more sinister and just as implausible.
I’m suggesting we ban cigarette butts.
“What?!?!” I hear all of you buttpuffers scream out in unison as you throw Great Value™ popcorn at your computer screen.
Relax. Believe it or not there is a reasonable explanation for this. Well, depending on your point of view.
This morning as I was driving to work, the driver in front of me threw his cigarette butt out the window. Sure, it looks neat for a moment when it’s dark. Blazing tobacco ashes fluttering in the wind. Then, just like that *snaps fingers*, it’s over. You drive over that still smoldering butt and you’re thinking, “Gee, I hope I don’t have a gas leak.”
Or am I the only one that thinks that? You ever have this weird feeling that you’re leaving a trail of high-octane fluid behind you that’s just waiting to be ignited by some inconsiderate ass throwing his cigarette butt out of his car window? No? So it’s just me? Well, that sucks.
Back on topic, which I believe was banning cigarette butts, it occurred to me that if this littering douchenozzle in front of me had a filterless cigarette he wouldn’t have a kindled cigarette butt to toss out of his window to ignite my phantom trail of fuel I’m not really leaking, plus he wouldn’t be leaving trash that will take hundreds of years to decompose on our roadways.
Think of the trees.
You’re killing them! Or something…
But Twindaddy, cigarettes contain poison and the filter helps to protect the smoker!
You think that any buttpuffer out there doesn’t know that his cigarettes are loaded with poisonous chemicals? Hell, it says so right on the box and the idiot still lit up. It’s that person’s individual choice to slowly kill himself.
But mother nature doesn’t get to choose what jackwagon dumps trash where. The park ranger doesn’t choose to have a shitload of cigarette butts to clean up all the time. The street sweeper doesn’t choose to pick up hundreds of carelessly discarded filters. The city streets were not consulted before they were buried beneath a sea of poisonous butts.
Really people? You can’t put these in your ashtray and empty it occasionally? Lazy fucks.
Since the majority of buttpuffers choose not to use the fucking ashtray in their cars, I think the option to have filters should be taken away. When you buttpuffers can be responsible with our ecology and stop littering, and endangering those of us with gas leaks (real or imaginary), then maybe you can have your butts back.
Until then, I say good riddance butts.