Mitt Romney, former governor of Massachusetts, 2010 US presidential candidate. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
This is my first attempt at a satire article. Please let me know how I did, even if it’s to let me know I should never attempt this again.
Mitt Romney hit the GOP’s magic number today, gaining the 1144 delegate votes needed to make him the party’s unofficially official presidential candidate. He can’t officially be named the GOP’s nominee until August 27, when the Republican National Convention is set to be held.
Romney received the remaining 78 needed delegates from the Lone Star state, otherwise known as Texas, a state that has produced many winners in the past, including George W. Bush and Rick Perry.
After receiving a projected 152 out of 155 delegates in Texico, Romney said he was humbled to have become the GOP’s nominee.
“I am very honored and flattered that I was able to get a bunch of extraordinarily bigoted Christians to vote for me, a Mormon. Now, come this November, our country’s citizens will have to choose between a Mormon and a black guy who supports gay marriage and charge him with the task of running this country further into the ground. I am confident that on November 6, this country vote for me, the guy with the stay-at-home wife, of whom everyone is jealous,” Romney wrote.
Romney was pretty much a shoe-in for the nomination as all of his competition has fallen by the wayside. Rick Perry dropped out when he realized nobody cared that he doesn’t want gays in the military. Newt Gingrich ran out of money pursuing votes for the moon base, and Rick Santorum dropped out because of an illness in the family. Nobody has seen or heard from Ron Paul in weeks, and he’s presumed dead. Michele Bachmann dropped out after she was advised that this was a rich, old man’s party and that she had the improper equipment. Herman Cain bowed out in December amid allegations of sexual misbehavior so plentiful and heinous that Bill Clinton sued for copyright infringement.
Romney began his quest for presidency last June. During a gathering at his New Hampshire farm he declared that Barack Obama had failed America because he uses words most Americans don’t understand. “Is there really a need for the amount of syllables the president uses?” he inquired of the gathered crowd. “I don’t understand half of what he’s saying!”
Romney is the first Mormon presidential candidate of a major party in…ever. Asked if his religious beliefs would influence his policies, Romney declared, “Boy will they ever!” enthusiastically before continuing to say, “My administration will redefine marriage to be between one man and however many women he wants. Every wife will have to sign a wife agreement. Oh, and gay marriage? Yeah, it’ll still be illegal. In fact, we’ll make being gay illegal.”
Asked about Romney winning the nomination, president Barack Obama said, “Mitt Romney? That Mormon guy? That’s who they’re going to run against me? Shit, I can stop campaigning now and still win.”