It’s time for more of my random thoughts. Most of you will probably run away screaming at that proclamation, but to those of you brave enough to stay, you need mental help. Know how I know that? We can see our own. Anyways, here we go….
I’m going to go way, way out on a limb and assume that anyone that has wits enough to read and comprehend these words also knows that when the temperature outside drops to a certain point that you can see your own breath.
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So I was Facebook stalking perusing my Facebook feed yesterday when I came across the following post…
You know how flat-top stoves having a warning light on them that shines when the cooking surface is still hot so you don’t accidentally put your hand on the stove and burn the shit out of yourself and have to make an unexpected and extremely costly trip to the emergency room? Damn that was a long sentence.
Anyways…my idea calls for a similar product. For bathrooms.
Not long ago I made a trip to the restroom to urinate, or in layman’s terms, pee. Upon inhaling my first lungful of air I was assualted by one of the most horrid smells my nose has ever had the misfortune of smelling. I think it actually singed some of my nose hairs.
A dramatic reenactment of the cloud I unwittingly walked in to.
Then, I had an epiphany. Lightning struck my brain, and, yes, it hurt. But nevermind that now.
What if there was a warning light for bathrooms to notify you of, lets call it, impure air. If such a thing existed I could have been forewarned and saved my precious nose hairs and my traumatized olfactory glands. I could have waited. I could have used another bathroom. Or I could have at least shielded my nose with my shirt.
At the very least I could have used a clothes pin to protect myself from cruel and unusual odors.
If any inventors are reading this I’m willing to give up a majority percentage of any profits earned by my idea. My motives are mostly altruistic.
Please. Think of the noses.
I drove by a Tire Discounters store this morning and, as I was sitting in traffic, had time to read the sign outside the store. What the sign said dumbfounded me. Unfortunately, the light turned green before I could whip my phone out and take a picture of it. Plus it was raining and my windows was covered with water. So you’re going to have to take my word for what the sign said. It said:
The Mayan calendar says that now is the time to buy!
Sooooo…..let me try to understand Tire Discounter’s logic here. The world is allegedly coming to an end in 14 days so I should spend what little money I have left before the world ends on a new set of tires that I’ll only get to use for two weeks?!?!?
Seriously. Fuck that. If I’ve only got two weeks left to live I’m not wasting money on a set of tires. I’m going to go out and have the time of my life. I’m going to travel. See the world. Spend time with loved ones. And stay drunk until the 21st. My blood-alcohol level will be so high that I might combust if someone is smoking around me.
You know what I wouldn’t do with two weeks left until the end of the world? Buy a set of fucking tires.
Of course, none of this even matters. The world is not going to end on December 21st. If I believed that for a minute I certainly wouldn’t have spent so much money on Christmas presents. Or paid any of my bills for the last year or so. Or been responsible at all.
You know who should be using the phantom apocalypse to their advantage? Bars. Casinos. Vegas. Liquor stores. Drug dealers. Myrtle Beach. Atlantic City. Disneyland. Things responsible people want to do but don’t because they’re, you know, responsible.
So here’s to you, Mr. Stupid-Tire-Discounters-sign-maker-guy. You put the um in dumbass.
Have you ever noticed when you’re driving down the interstate or a highway that when you come upon a police officer who has pulled someone over that everyone slows down?
I have noticed this many times before. I noticed it yesterday, too. But then I started thinking; wouldn’t the best time to be speeding be when the cop is otherwise preoccupied?
Seriously, people. If a cop is out of his car giving someone else a ticket or in his car writing a ticket he’s not paying attention to his radar gun. Furthermore, even if he does happen to notice you’re speeding he (or she) is not just going to let the person he (or she) pulled over go just because you ignorantly sped by.
See? He’s too busy to concentrate on more than one thing at once. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
If you’ve ever seen Die Hard 3 you know what I’m talking about. The criminals wanted to steal all of the gold from the federal reserve bank. So what did they do? They told the police there was a bomb in one of the schools sending every officer available to search for the bomb while they cleaned out the gold.
Bruce Willis kicks ass, by the way. Yippy Kie Yay, mothafucka!
Same concept applies here. If a cop has already pulled someone over he or she will not be looking for another speeder whilst writing a ticket.
So quit slowing down, assholes!
Yesterday at work, I walked by a conference room full of people watching a Power Point presentation. I glanced in through window embedded into the door and saw the most disturbing thing.
In the two seconds I was looked through the window I saw this guy in the back of the room with his right forefinger deeply entrenched in his nostril, fishing for boogers.
Now, I know we all have a need to pick our noses. We all get boogers. But how unclothed (an earlier version said unclothed. damn you autocorrect…) uncouth are you that you’re doing it in a room full of people? And during the middle of a meeting surrounded by your coworkers to boot?
It seems that there are too many people who don’t know what is or isn’t appropriate in polite society these days. Or maybe the dude thought he was safe since everyone’s gaze was affixed on the Power Point presentation. Who knows?
All I can say for sure is that I walked away disturbed.
So I’m watching the Monday night line up on CBS, and I’m being assaulted by idiotic advertisements. There are a couple of commercials which have left me thoroughly befuddled..
Internet browser commercials.
Why on earth are Microsoft and Google both advertising their browsers? There is nothing to sell. Both browsers are free. Nevertheless I’ve seen commercials for both Internet Explorer and Chrome tonight.
Perhaps it has something to do with selling web browsing tendencies to advertisers, but I still just don’t see the point in advertising something that’s free.
Stop! Or it's going to be even LONGER until I can eat some more doughnuts!
Cops are dicks most of the time. Sure, when it comes down to it a majority of them are heroes when needed. When doing routine police business, however, a lot of them are just plain dicks.
Case in point, as I was driving home from work today my commute lead me past a police station. Just after I passed it a cop turned in behind me which aggravated me for a couple of reasons. One, I had to turn my music down. I don’t know if they still give out tickets for having your music up too loud, but I wasn’t going to take any chances. Two, I had to keep an eye on my speed. I have somewhat of a lead foot and I usually just cruise at my own pace.
So I’m driving along hoping against hope that this cop will stop following me and go some other direction when all of a sudden it happens. A light turned yellow while I was at that magical distance where you either have to slam on the brakes to stop at the light or you have to goose the gas a little bit to clear the intersection before the light turns red. Normally I just tap on the gas and speed through the intersection because I’m always afraid that if I hit the brakes too hard I’m going to get rear-ended. Once you’ve been rear-ended you’re always checking your rear-view. At least, I am.
So out of habit I tapped the gas for a second before I remembered there was a cop behind me. Unfortunately, there were other factors working against me other than my forward momentum. Like the fact that I was traveling downhill on a (roughly) 45 degree decline. So, anyway, I finally come to my senses and hit the brakes. Hard.
I discovered quickly that my car doesn’t have anti-lock brakes. All four of my wheels stopped spinning but my car continued to move forward. All four of my tires screamed in gut-wrenching agony as they left fresh tread marks on the black top. I had my windows down and the sound of my tires screeching along the road was amplified umpteen thousand decibels. HOWEVER, when all was said and done my car actually stopped right on the white line just as the light turned red.
I nervously looked in my rear-view to see if the cop was going to flip on his lights and try to get me for some stupid shit like reckless driving, but I needn’t have worried. So what, pray tell, did my curious eyes see when I peered into the mirror?
That dick laughing at me.
The jackass knew exactly what he had just done to me and was sitting in his mighty Crown Vic laughing his ass off at my misfortune.
What an ass.
I live in a duplex. It’s a pretty big sized duplex and I’m very happy with it. We have 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, a 2-car garage, a half-basement, and a good-sized yard out back for the kids to run around in. There is one thing, however, that drives me absolutely nuts about this place sometimes. The people that live in the other half of this building.
These people don’t smoke in their house, which is great for them I guess. They smoke outside or in their basement if it’s cold out. When they smoke in their basement the smell somehow seeps into our basement which delights me to no end. The woman over there is loud and laughs at everything. It’s one of those hoarse, cacophonous laughs that sounds something like the sound barrier being broken. Or a lioness in labor. When they sit out on the deck that’s all I hear. Sometimes, I can hear that bitch through the walls. Their dog barks from the back door whenever we walk our dog. I don’t mind the dog barking. That’s what dogs do. When the dog barks, however, both of those idiots start yelling at the dog. It’s a dog, morons. It’s going to bark no matter how annoyingly and loudly you yell at it. For the love of Al Gore, shut the fuck up!
The other day when it was nice out, the guy and his son were out in the backyard playing cornhole and they had their dog tied to a stake in the yard. Baby B and I were outside playing basketball and I had to listen to that woman laugh the entire time. I was pretty close to winging the basketball at her. Then, their genius son decides he’s going to play with the dog and get the dog to chase him…while he was still tied up. It was all fun and games until the dog ran out of rope. The yelp the poor dog let out was horrible, but at least it got that stupid woman to stop laughing.
Today, their inner redneck came out.
They have a smoker. One of those barrel type grills you would cook a turkey or something in. They busted it out today, but not to cook with. They filled it with wood and started a fire in the backyard. So that was nice. They also had the dog tied to a stake in the yard again. The smoker was within the radius of the dog’s rope. Luckily the dog didn’t knock it over and light the backyard, but it would have served that idiot right. The guy was also out there in his coat and winter hat and drinking beer while sitting in a chair a couple of feet from the fire. It was chilly here today, but if he was cold I don’t understand why he just didn’t stay inside. I’m not adept at redneck logic, so perhaps there’s a perfectly good reason for this idiocy that eludes me.
Later, my wife took our dog out. When she walked to the side of the house so our dog could do her business…well, that idiot was out there doing his. On the side of the house. Why this guy was out there pissing on the side of the house when he has three bathrooms in his house (that he was pissing on) totally confounds me.
I just keep hoping against hope that these dumbasses will move out. Everything about these people annoys me. I’ll keep me fingers crossed…
