An Army of One…In Enemy Territory

Hi there.  I want to give credit to the U.S. Army for the first half of my title.  My intent is not to plagiarise.  I think all of our military service branches do a commendable job of protecting us.  Thank you.

The point of my post is hockey!  My beloved Red Wings advanced to the second round of the Stanley Cup playoffs (nice job).  Their next opponent is the Chicago Blackhawks.  I live in Chicago, as a Red Wings fan, hence the second half of my title.

Jason Collins: Trailblazer

Jason Collins. Active NBA player and gay man.

Finally.  An active player from one of the four major American sports leagues has finally “come out” of the closet.  It’s long overdue and frankly I’m surprised it has taken as long as it has.

The intrepid soul who came out is Jason Collins, a Center, most recently for the Washington Wizards.  He bravely announced that he is gay via a Sports Illustrated article last Monday.  Per the article, Collins is quoted as saying the following:

I didn’t set out to be the first openly gay athlete playing in a major American team sport. But since I am, I’m happy to start the conversation.  I wish I wasn’t the kid in the classroom raising his hand and saying, ‘I’m different.’ If I had my way, someone else would have already done this. Nobody has, which is why I’m raising my hand.

A Nostalgic Song

Tell us about a sensation — a taste, a smell, a piece of music — that transports you back to childhood.

There are many sensations that take me back to my childhood.  Most of them are musical.  There are many songs that remind of a specific time in my life.  Songs I clung to at that particular time.

Mostly, it’s music that takes me back.  No tastes or smells take me back, really, because I don’t have the same tastes and smells around.  I didn’t necessarily like the food I was raised on.  It wasn’t that my mom was a bad cook (dad rarely cooked) although there were some adventures in the kitchen.  She just made Italian food which, even though I’m part Italian, I really don’t care for.  I don’t particularly care for any type of tomato sauce.  So things like spaghetti, lasagna, chicken parmesan, and other classic Italian dishes aren’t things I eat.  So I’m therefore never reminded much of my childhood by food or smell.  Plus, my mom is diabetic and has heart disease so she can’t eat any of the food we were raised on anyway so she no longer makes it.

Go East Young Men? It is Where You Belong

Hi Readers! I hope everyone is doing well. I made the trip home east to take care of some family business this weekend. In the process I was able to do something I have not done this season….watch a hockey game on tv. Mine broke and I’m going without for a year. I was excited to hear my Red Wings may be heading east as well.

Sports is Now and New Shoes

So I wrote a post about bad weather, and I kept saying Sports is Next.  Well, that’s how they do it in the news, right?  Now I’m saying Sports is Now.  Unfortunately, I mostly only follow 4 sports.  Hockey, Football, Soccer and Lacrosse.  Football is over.  That is the suck.  Soccer news is not followed much here.  Lacrosse is starting up (yay!).

No Genie Available, But Make Your Wish Anyhow

The Daily Prompts the last few days haven’t been very intriguing to me, but today’s spoke to me.  It said, “Hey!  Write a fucking Daily Prompt post, would ya?  You haven’t done one in a few days.”

So, I figured since it took the time to call me out the least I could do was oblige.  After all, I have nothing else going on, right?  Sure…

Sure, you turned out pretty good, but is there anything you wish had been different about your childhood? If you have kids, is there anything you wish were different for them?

Daily Prompt: The Early Years

Write page three of your autobiography.

Autobiography:  Page 3

I accomplished a great many things as a youngster.  I had a memorable childhood and many enjoyable times.  I achieved many successes, and I’d like to take a  moment to list some of my greatest awards:

Winner of the Great Pee Contest.  My brothers and I competed in the Great Pee Contest.  Yes, it was a pissing contest.  The goal is to see who can urinate highest on the wall.  I may have had a slight advantage since I was the oldest (and still am…weird) and, thus, bigger, but that doesn’t subtract from the pride I feel for winning this hard-fought contest.  My stream reached so high the mirror needed to be taken down from the bathroom wall so that the wall could be cleaned.

My dad was pissed, though.  I’m not sure why.  You’re supposed to be proud when your child wins.  Campbell Hausfeld was intrigued and wanted to copy my technological prowess for their new power washer line, but since I was a minor a deal couldn’t be reached.

Most Gruesome Injury.  This is an award that I could honestly live without, but since I have it I display it with pride.  When I was seven, my brothers and I were playing in the basement, where my dad had built us a huge toy box out of huge pieces of plywood.  Unfortunately, when the gargantuan lid for this toy box was open it rested against the railing for the steps going upstairs.  I happened to be retrieving a toy from said toy box as my youngest brother was heading up the stairs.  Dragging his hand along the rail.  His hand hit the lid and sent it careening down.

I saw the lid zeroing in on me, and quickly yanked my hand out from the toy box.  The lid seemed to nick my left ring finger, so I brought my hand up so I could examine it, only to find the tip of my ring finger was missing.  ER doctors were able to sew it back on, but it didn’t grow back properly and has looked fairly gruesome ever since.

Most Spectacular Bike Wreck.  Ironically, I won this award the very first time I sat atop a bicycle.  A friend convinced me to take his bike to the top of a hill and to ride it down.  Not wanting to be a “chicken,” I mounted the bike and it began to roll.  Down the sidewalk.

I’m not sure why my friend put me on the sidewalk.  Maybe so I wouldn’t hit, or be hit by, a car.  Maybe because he’s a cruel bastard.  I’ll never know.

So there I was, steadily picking up speed while traversing the slim sidewalk down a steep hill.  By the time I reached the bottom I was traveling at a pretty high rate of speed, and that’s when it happened.

A little girl had sat down to play on the sidewalk.  Shit.  Do I run into her or attempt to steer this runaway train off the tracks?  I wisely (for that girl’s sake, anyhow) chose the latter.  So I slowly veered left off the sidewalk and into a neighbor’s yard only to find a fire hydrant directly in my path.  I was going too fast to avoid it.  The bike struck the hydrant, at what I can only guess was between 20 and 30 miles per hour.  The bike’s forward momentum halted.  Mine didn’t.

This dramatic reenactment of my accident is a little TOO dramatic. The bike didn’t fall apart, but I did go flying like this.

I went flying across the yard.  Somehow during my flight I flipped forward so that when I landed, I landed on my back.  Luckily I was unhurt in the accident, but I laid there for some time trying to collect my thoughts and wondering why the hell I let myself get talked into doing something so fantastically stupid.

Most Dislocated Elbows in One Week.  As a 2-year old, I had each elbow dislocated in the same week.  As I was walking along one day, I started to lose my balance.  My mother grabbed my hand and yanked on it in an attempt to keep me upright.  Pop!

A week later, my babysitter was swinging my around by my arms.  Not sure how it happened, but somehow my other elbow popped out of its socket.

Yeah, mom! It shouldn’t hurt!!

Social services showed up at our house the next day.  I have no idea why.

There were other dubious awards won during my childhood, but this is the most notable of them.  My trophy room is full of nonsensical awards and ridiculous ribbons.  I had a proud and wonderful childhood, and these was just some of the highlights.  Next we will discuss why my parents are to blame for every flaw I possess, and how nothing bad I do is ever my fault.

Check out these other great Daily Prompt posts:

• Daily Prompt: Faithful
• Daily Prompt: The Early Years
• Daily Prompt : Gimme
• Daily Prompt: Dear Mom
• Daily Prompt: Childhood Revisited
• Daily Prompt: Immortalized in Stone
• Daily Prompt: Dear Mom
• Daily Prompt: Un/Faithful
• Daily Prompt: Un/Faithful
• Daily Prompt: Plead the Fifth

 

Random Thoughts: 12/14/2012

Man.  I haven’t done one of these posts in forever, mainly because they take so long to do.  Someone once told me she loved these posts and liked to see my opinion on all the different things in the news, so here goes:

• ESPN’s Rob Parker asked Thursday morning on First Take (a horrible show that features the idiotic Skip Bayless), “Is he a brother, or is he a cornball brother? He’s not really. He’s black, he does his thing, but he’s not really down with the cause. He’s not one of us. He’s kind of black, but he’s not really like the kind of guy you really want to hang out with,” about Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III.  
  First of all, why is race being brought into anything nowadays?  We’re supposed to be passed that.  Secondly, are you really questioning the color of somebody’s skin or the ethnicity of another human being based on the color and ethnicity of that person’s fiancée?  Thirdly, so what if he’s Republican?  There are plenty of black Republicans.  Being a Republican doesn’t automatically disqualify you from being black.  And finally, Mr. Parker, you are a fucking moron.  That is all.
  

  This is Robert Griffin III.  He sure looks black to me. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

   

   

• Oh, look!  Celebs over 40 in bikinis!
• Ever heard of brominated vegetable oil?  Me either.  Evidently it’s an ingredient found in many drinks, such as Gatorade, Mountain Dew, Powerade, and Squirt, among others.  It’s a type of vegetable oil so it must be fairly harmless, right?  Wrong.  According to this article, BVO is linked to “neurological disorders and altered thyroid hormones.”  Nice.  I don’t feel so bad about not letting my kids drink Mountain Dew and Gatorade for all this years.  It does, however, make me regret drinking Mountain Dew all those years while I was growing up.  Why is this substance approved by the FDA?
• Okay, guys, who’s ready to wear some meggings (male leggings)
  Anybody?  Buehler?I thought not.  Who the hell thought this was a good idea?
  

  Really? Aren’t skinny jeans bad enough?

• I had never heard of California Superior Court Judge Derek Johnson before, but this guy is a tool.  Apparently, the “honorable” Judge Johnson believes that, “if someone doesn’t want sexual intercourse, the body will not permit that to happen.”  Not only does this dolt believe this, but he actually uttered these words to a rape victim.  In court.  In front of her attacker.  He also admonished her for “not putting up a fight.”The California Commission on Judicial Performance voted 10-0 to impose a public admonishment Thursday.  I don’t know what all that entails besides publicly slapping the judge’s hand, but this dude needs to be relieved of his duties.  What a cock.
• Even though there is still roughly two and a half weeks left in the year, a list of this year’s most unusual baby names has already been compiled.  Among the gems are names such as #hashtag (really?), Queenie (everyone will just assume she’s a bitch), Inny (dafuq?), Excel (I guess the other Office program names were deemed unworthy), Jedi (look, I love Star Wars, but c’mon, why would you do this to a kid?),  Cobain (bad juju), Savior (isn’t that like naming a ship Titanic and dubbing it unsinkable?), Espn (that network sucks so what does that imply about how you feel about your son?),  Goodluck (wtf?), Google (I can’t even think of anything funny to say about this), and Popeye (well, blow me down).  Congratulations kids, your parents hate you all.
• Tip for farmers everywhere, if you’re going to plow your marriage proposal into a cornfield, please learn how to spell so that your 10-year old daughter doesn’t have to tell her dad that he’s an idiot.
  

  It’s Jodi, not Lodi. Good thing it’s the thought that counts, huh? Or is that only for presents?

   

• If Kristin Stewart wears a dress and nobody cares, did it really ever happen?
  

  What the hell is this? It looks like she’s wearing a clear plastic bag over a 1940′s era bikini.

• Over 8 million people in the New York City area breathed a collective sigh of relief upon hearing the news that Hillary Clinton will not seek the NYC mayor’s office.
• Evidently Olympic gold medalist skier Bode Miller is not destined to have a second career is a pro golfer.  Whilst golfing with his wife the other day, he hit her in the face with an errant tee shot that required over 50 stitches to close up.  Here’s a link to the picture if you really want to see it.  It’s pretty gruesome.  Needless to say, Bode will probably be able to have a cookout with the contents of his stocking on Christmas day.
• Who the hell is Honey Boo Boo?  And why should anyone care about her favorite Christmas memories?  And why on earth is some kid name Honey Boo Boo?
• NASA says “I told ya so,” in regards to why the world won’t end on the 21st.  What they don’t say is that a team led by Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck led a space expedition to the planet Nibiru, drilled a hole in it, and dropped a nuke in it.  The results could be seen last night as the remains of Nibiru entered our atmosphere under the guise of “meteor showers.”  Luckily, I saw through the conspiracy to bring you the truth.  You heard it here first.

And there you have it.  That’s all the randomness I can handle today.  My head is spinning and my stomach is yelling at me because I should’ve eaten lunch a couple of hours ago.  Hope you enjoyed it!

Related articles

• Why One 15-Year-Old Girl Wants The FDA To Crack Down On Her Gatorade
• ESPN host Rob Parker suspended after ‘cornball’ RGIII comments
• Must Read: Flame Retardant Chemicals in my Gatorade??
• ESPN suspends Rob Parker “until further notice”
• Why Rob Parker’s Comments About RG3 Exposes the Hypocrisy of Race in Sports

Random Thoughts: 6/2/2012

• Looks like the Saints players who denied the existence of a bounty system in New Orleans were lying.  I love how they’ve all been proclaiming their innocence since they were all suspended.  Like the NFL would suspend without solid proof of wrong-doing.  Idiots.
• A survey of 1000 idiots people has found that 20% of people urinate in public pools.  Setting aside the fact that you would deliberately piss in a pool that other people are swimming in, why on earth would you piss in a pool and then continue to swim in it? 
• There is apparently a new Star Wars video game in the works dubbed Star Wars 1313.  It’s a bounty hunter game set in level 1313 on Coruscant.  The game is supposed to explore the darker side of the Star Wars universe and may (I doubt it) have an M rating.  This sounds too good to be true.
• When asked who should play him if a movie were to be made about his life, Bill Clinton went with George Clooney.  He then picked Meryl Streep to play Hillary.  So when Bill cheats on Hillary in the movie, you’ll still nod your head in agreement and think to yourself, “Look who he married.  I don’t blame him.”
• If you’re interested in learning the ingredients of “bath salts,” the “new LSD” as it is called, click on this link.  Bath salts is believed to be the catalyst of the recent “zombie” sighting in  Miami, Florida, where a 31-year old man attacked another man and ate half of his face.  Authorities still have not ascertained why Mila Jovavich did not intervene.
  
• A fine gentleman in Cleveland was handed a $344 citation for littering when money he was attempting to give to a homeless man fell to the ground.  Stay classy, Cleveland.
• Axl Rose’s doucebaggery knows no bounds, evidently.  You are apparently not allowed to wear Slash t-shirts at a GNR concert.  Some poor chap who attended the GNR concert at London’s O2 arena was forced to remove his slash shirt prior to entering the arena.  To top it all off, Axl showed up an hour late.  What an ass.
• Christina Valdez, the mother of the child who received the Catastrophe Award, tries to defend herself by saying she’s there for her children 24/7 and that she knew of 3 or 4 assignments that her child didn’t complete because she didn’t write them down in her book.  She says she only wanted an apology from the school for their “humiliating” award.  Yeah, well, in 10 years your daughter’s going to want an apology from you for failing as a parent.  Shut up about the award already and raise your child.
• Some high school students in Mink Creek Idaho had their video camera recording one day and recorded what may have been the mythical Bigfoot. Upon closer inspection of the video, however, experts deduced that it was merely Rosie O’Donnell.
• Heath Campbell, an idiot who named 3 of his 4 kids after prominent Nazi figures (including one named Adolf Hitler) had his children taken away from him in 2009 for merely naming them after members of the third Reich.  Now, I don’t condone naming a child after Hitler, Himmler, or any of the other idiots that tried to take over the world in the 1930’s, but to take away children from loving parents, however idiotic they may be, seems unconstitutional to me.  Do we take children away from parents because they’re racist?  Because they hate gays?  Because they let them listen to Justin Bieber?  No, we don’t.  If this guy wants to be a Nazi and teach his children to be Nazis, it’s his constitutional right to do so.  As long as he’s not neglecting or abusing his children, the court has no right to take those children away. 
• The Defense of Marriage Act, passed in 1996, has been found unconstitutional by a federal appeals court on the grounds that the federal government has no authority to define a state’s definition of marriage.  What this means for gay marriage is anyone’s guess.
• These are the type of stories you should see on the news.  Not some bullshit about another murder or robbery.  Not news piece designed to inspire fear and promote conspiracy theories.  But this:  A 9-year old boy who won a family vacation to Disney World gave it a girl whose father had just been killed in Afghanistan.  What a classy kid.  How many of you would have done that?  Then, the Disney Company awarded this child’s family with an all-expense paid trip for his generosity and the kid is going to find another military family to donate the trip to.  I bow before this kid’s greatness.
• An Al Jazeera documentary, Songs of War, alleges that detainees at Guantanamo Bay were tortured by having to listen to Sesame Street songs on repeat for days on end.  My first reaction to this was to laugh uncontrollably for about a minute.  My second reaction was to realize how fucking cruel this is.  Could you imagine having to listen to Elmo’s Song for days on end?  Cruel and unusual indeed.
• Guitar Pee?  Yes, please.

• NYC Mayor Michael Bloomburg plans to propose a ban on sales of sugary beverages larger than 16oz.  Just how far into our lives does the government plan to reach?  Isn’t taking choice away also taking some of our freedom away?  Look, Bloomberg, if you take away soda people are going to find something else to shove in their pie-holes.  Why don’t you find something productive to do with your time instead of this giant sack of suck?
• Another day, another Christian preacher who wants to kill gay people.  What the fuck is wrong with these guys?  Is there an 11th commandment I don’t know about?
  

Related articles

• Star Wars 1313 revealed, starring Boba Fett (gimmegimmegames.com)
• Nazi Parents Lose Custody Of Adolf Hitler (inquisitr.com)

 

Gotta hot wife? You’re hired!

English: Logo of the Vanderbilt Commodores Category:University logos (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Are you having trouble getting that football coaching position you’ve been wanting?  Perhaps you’re new to the coaching scene and need an in.  Or maybe you just feel you’re at a dead-end at your current coaching position.

Well, we have some news for you.

Vanderbilt head football coach James Franklin recently admitted in an interview with a Nashville radio station that he only hires assistants who are married to attractive women.

“I will not hire an assistant coach until I’ve seen his wife. If she looks the part, and she’s a D-I recruit, then you got a chance to get hired. That’s part of the deal.”

That’s right, potential coaches.  To get your foot in the door of a coaching position you must have a hot wife.  At least at Vanderbilt.

Franklin went on to explain his rational with these epic words:  “If you’re an ugly dude and you gotta hot wife, then obviously you know how to sell.  And if you know how to sell, then you can recruit.”

Coach James Franklin and Zac Stacy #2 (Image credit: Getty Images via @daylife)

He went on to say this:  “Look, our football program…it kinda sucks so I’m gonna take any advantage I can get.  We need top recruits to get it turned around.  If a guy can talk a hot chick, I mean beautiful woman, into marrying him than surely he can convince a high school kid to play football at Vanderbilt.  Especially if he takes his hot wife on the recruiting trip.”

The Commodores record last year seems to back up Franklin’s claims that the team “kinda sucks.”  The Commodores finished last season with a 6-7 record, although they did well (5-2) at home. 

A 6-6 record last year was somehow enough to earn the Commodores a place in the Liberty Bowl, but they lost to Cincinnati to fall to 6-7.  It was only Vanderbilt’s 5th bowl game since the team was founded in 1890.  In addition, the Commodores haven’t won their division since 1923.  To say this team has a history of futility is an understatement.

Franklin was the first Vanderbilt coach in their long, futile history to lead the Commodores to a bowl appearance as a first-year coach, so perhaps Franklin’s “hot wives only” approach will be the spark that ignites the flames of the Commodores long-awaited success.  After all, thinking outside the box is all the rage these days.  And Franklin is definitely thinking outside the box. 

So, potential coaches, how hot is your wife?

Related articles

• Vanderbilt’s Head Football Coach Won’t Hire An Assistant Unless He Has A Hot Wife (businessinsider.com)
• Vanberbilt Coach James Franklin Only Hires Assistants With Attractive Wives (thebiglead.com)
• Vanderbilt Football Coach James Franklin: My Assistant Coaches Must Have Hot Wives (inquisitr.com)
• Franklin Wants Hot Wives for Vandy Coaches (lostlettermen.com)
• Vanderbilt Football Coach Brags About Only Hiring Assistants Who Have Super Hot Wives [Sports] (jezebel.com)
• Vandy coach sorry for saying he judges wives (espn.go.com)