Remember your failure at the cave?

Ok, folks.  Baby C had been on a Star Wars kick lately so we’ve been watching a TON of Star Wars.  I’m not complaining because, you know, Star Wars, but as soon as he comes into the house he points to the TV and says, “Star Wars!”  So in the past couple of weeks we’ve watched all six movies and all three seasons (that we have) of The Clone Wars.

When we were watching The Empire Strikes Back the other day it came toward the part where Yoda berates Luke for his “failure in the cave.”  As many times as I’ve seen this movie (it has to be over 1000 – seriously), I’ve never understood exactly how Luke failed in the cave.

The cave. Remember your failure at the cave? (Photo credit huffingtonpost.com)

The Problem is Not The Problem

I wasn’t going to do today’s prompt because I don’t really have a favorite movie.  I have a plethora of movies that are among my favorites, but not a clear-cut favorite amongst them.  But then I realized that this would be my seventh day in a row of doing the Daily Prompt, so I should probably just do it and think of something to write just so I can say that I participated for a week straight.

So, that being said….PROMPT ME!

Take a quote from your favorite movie — there’s the title of your post. Now, write!

Daily Prompt: Burnt – All That Remains

Another day, another gloomy topic from the Daily Post.  What gives?  Is there no positivity to be had anymore?

In today’s prompt, we examine the charred remains of what we didn’t rescue from our burning houses yesterday.  Yay.  I shall tackle this topic with as much enthusiasm and excitement as Ben Stein would, though, cause I’m cool like that.

Wow.

Top Ten “Weird Al” Yankovic Songs

So this morning while cleaning house, the twins and I listened to “Weird Al” Yankovic.  While listening I felt inspired to count down his best (in my opinion) songs.

I was introduced to “Weird Al” in 1988.  I had asked for a copy of Michael Jackson’s Bad for my birthday.  My dad wasn’t paying attention and grabbed Weird Al’s Even Worse since the covers looked so similar.  At least, I guess that’s how he ended up buying it.  I didn’t even realize it was Weird Al until I started listening to it.

Weird Al's cover is on the left and on the right is (obviously) Michael Jackson's cover.

I was somewhat disappointed until I actually listened to the album.  It was frickin hilarious.  I then found out that my dad had Weird Al’s 3-D on vinyl (that’s a record for you newbs out there) and I was hooked.  I eventually collected all of the albums he had put out to date and have gotten every new album released since.

For those who don’t know (why the hell don’t you know?!?!), Weird Al is famous for making parodies of hit songs with (mostly) funny lyrics.  He also does his own music and writing, but that’s hit and miss. He also normally has one polka song per album that is a medley of recent Top 40 hits.  These are surprisingly fun to listen to.

Anyhow, on to the countdown:

10. TMZ from the Alpocolypse album.  This is a parody of You Belong to Me by Taylor Swift (who sucks at music, by the way).  This song makes fun of society’s absurd obsession with everything celebrities do and the website TMZ, that reports most of this worthless crap.

Classic lines from the song:  You just picked up some transvestite, seconds later its up on the website. 

It’s gettin’ to the point where a famous person can’t get a DUI or go on a racist rant.

9. The Night Santa Went Crazy from the Bad Hair Day album.  This is a jolly Christmas original by Al, about a stressed out Santa…..who snaps.  Jolly old St. Nick has had enough of making (and delivering) toys for all the good boys and girls since none of those boys and girls ever do anything for him.

Classic line from the song:  Well the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it.  Everywhere you’ll find pieces of Cupid and Comet.

8. Don’t Download This Song from the Straight Outta Lynwood album.  Al tackles illegal file sharing in this original song.  He points out what we all know; downloading music without paying for it is illegal.  There’s really only one funny part in this song, but it makes the song.

Classic line from the song:  Don’t download this song.  Even Lars Urlich knows its wrong.  You can just ask him.

7.  You’re Pitiful from…..no album.  This song is a parody of James Blunt’s You’re Beautiful and was set to be the lead single on Straight Outta Lynwood.  James Blunt had given permission for Al to parody the song (even though he doesn’t legally need permission), but shortly before the albums release Blunt’s record label, Atlantic Records, stepped in and said he couldn’t do it. So Al took it off of the album, but put the MP3 on his website and Myspace page as a free download.

The song makes fun of a 42-year old man who still lives at home with his mom.

Classic line from the song:  You’re pitiful, it’s true.  Never had a date that you couldn’t inflate…and you smell repulsive, too.

6. Your Horoscope for Today from the Running With Scissors album.  In this original song, Al makes fun of the idiocy that is astronomy.  And it’s epic.

Classic lines from the song:  There’s travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus. 

A big promotion is just around the corner…for someone much more talented than you. 

All your friends are laughing behind your back….KILL THEM!

5. White and Nerdy from the Straight Outta Lynwood album.  This is a parody of Ridin Dirty by Chamillionaire.  In this song Al pokes fun at all of the white people who want to be “ganstas”.

Classic line from the song:  I’m nerdy in the extreme, I’m whiter than sour cream.

4.  Yoda from the Dare to be Stupid album.  This is a parody of Lola by The Kinks.  Even though Al had written this song shortly after The Empire Strikes Back was released, it took 5 years to get permission from both the songwriter and George Lucas before he could add it to an album.

The song is written about the events of The Empire Strikes Back from the viewpoint of Luke Skywalker.  This song may or may not be so high on this list because of my Star Wars nerdiness.

Classic line from the song: I know Darth Vader’s really got you annoyed but remember if you kill him then you’ll be unemployed.

3. Jerry Springer from the Running With Scissors album. This song is a parody of One Week by the Bare Naked Ladies (they aren’t even chicks! WTF?).  This song pokes fun at the absurdity that is the Jerry Springer show.  This is one of the funniest songs I’ve ever heard.

Classic lines from the song:  5 days since they had the show with the hermaphrodite, the slut, and the crack ho.  There was one guy who I’m sure felt a little strange when he found out that his wife had a sex change.

2. A Complicated Song from the Poodle Hat album.  This song is a parody of Complicated by Avril Lavigne.  This song describes three highly unlikely, but extremely funny situations.  There’s really no way to explain it.  You just have to listen to the song.

Classic line from the song:  Why’d you have to go and make me so constipated?  Cause right now I’d do anything to just get my bowels evacuated.

1. Albuquerque from the Running With Scissors album.  This original song is 11 minutes of pure, comedic genius.  This song details the quirky story of how Al loved living in Albuquerque, how much he hates sauerkraut, and how he made employee of the month at the Sizzler.

Classic lines from the song:  He just rolled his eyes and said, “No.  I want you to cut of my arms and legs with a chainsaw.”  So I did.

Hey!  That snorkel was just like a snorkel to me!

There are many other great songs and others I considered for this list but didn’t make it are:  Genius in France, Mr. Frump in the Iron Lung, Gotta Boogie, Do I Creep You Out, Truck Drivin Song, Ode to a Superhero, Christmas at Ground Zero, Trigger Happy, Midnight Star, You Make Me, Dare to be Stupid, Phony Calls, Party in the CIA, and Talk Soup. 

If you’ve never listened to Al, and you have a great sense of humor, I seriously suggest you check out his music.  Good times.

Worst Star Wars movie: Attack of the Clones

I’ve long thought that Attack of the Clones is the weakest Star Wars movie of the two trilogies.  Sure, the entire prequel trilogy is weak compared to the original trilogy, but it is still enjoyable to me.  Mostly.

I popped Episode I into the DVD player the other day and watched it, and still the only thing that annoys me about that movie is Jar Jar Binks.  That character’s purpose could have been served with a less annoying character who wasn’t a complete imbecile.  Then I popped in Episode II last night, and it really hit home how lame this movie is.  There are still some parts worth watching, mostly the special effects and fighting scenes, but what a horrible, horrible movie otherwise.

Lets start with the name:  Attack of the Clones.  That right there gives the impression that the movie is a cheesy, horribly acted, low-budget, SyFy original movie piece of shit.  That sounds like the name of a movie released in the 1960′s.  If he had just called it The Clone Wars, that would have been light years (parsecs?) better.  That gets the movie off on the wrong foot there.

Then there’s the “love story” (I have that in quotations because it’s the most terribly written, most unbelievable love story ever written).  It starts with Anakin getting nervous before meeting Padme for the first time in ten years, telling Obi-Wan that he’s thought about her every day since they last saw each other.  I suppose that’s plausible, although somewhat creepy and obsessive.  Most of the movie Padme appears to be repulsed by Anakin.  He repeatedly looks at her as a stalker or rapist would look at their prey, at one point prompting Padme to tell Anakin to stop looking at her like that because it makes her uncomfortable.  They frolic around the plains of Naboo (while Obi-Wan does all the hard work).  All the while Anakin is dropping hints about the person he will become.  He blasts democracy while advocating totalitarianism.  Later, when he confesses to killing an entire tribe of tusken raiders in cold blood, Padme sits down next to him and comforts him. I’m no expert on the opposite sex, but most women don’t stick with serial killers.  Then, right before they are to be executed, she finally confesses that she loves him, despite being seemingly annoyed by him for most of the film.

During the Battle of Geonosis, there is a purely comedic routine going between C-3PO and R2-D2 which, while funny, is completely pointless and has no place in a Star Wars movie.  Sure comedy is acceptable, but this was more slapstick comedy.  How likely is it that 3PO would inadvertently get his head switched with that of a battle droid?  And while I’m thinking of R2, where were those little rocket thrusters in the original trilogy?  Were they removed between Episode III and IV?  If so, how did he lose them?  Giving R2 those thrusters added an inconsistency between the two trilogies that didn’t need to be there.

The writing in the movie is extremely sophomoric and intellectually sterile.  And it shows on the actors’ faces when saying their lines.  Watch the faces of Natalie Portman and Samuel L Jackson.  Even Hayden Christiansen (it’s harder to tell with him because he’s a terrible actor).  The dialogue in the lightsaber duels at the end of the movie is atrocious.  “Surely you can do better,” Count Dooku (stupid name, by the way) says to Obi-Wan.  “It is obvious that this contest cannot be decided by our knowledge of the force, but by our skill with a lightsaber,” Dooku says, quite pathetically, to Yoda.  Who talks like that?  And who wrote that shit?  Well, George Lucas did.  Man, how the mighty have fallen.

Then there’s the ligthsaber duels themselves.  When Obi-Wan fights Dooku, it’s over pretty quick.  Obi-Wan, who handled Darth Maul and Darth Vader, couldn’t handle Dooku?  And he lost with the quickness, to boot.  Then, there’s the duel between Anakin and Dooku.  You don’t even get to see this fight.  The scenes of this fight are zoomed in on Dooku’s and Anakin’s faces for the majority of the duel.  This might be considered artistic, but it’s extremely lame and boring to watch.  The duel between Yoda and Dooku is pretty epic, but at the end Dooku uses the force to knock over a pillar onto Anakin and Obi-Wan as they lay on the ground, writhing in pain.  Yoda drops his lightsaber and uses the force to stop the pillar.  Dooku was standing right next to Yoda.  Does he strike him down while his attention is otherwise diverted?  No, he runs like a little bitch into his ship and takes off. That makes sense, right?

Another issue is Samuel L Jackson playing a Jedi.  He is just not convincing at all wielding a lightsaber.  He swings it around slowly in broad, clumsy arcs.  Even when deflecting blaster bolts.  He’s also not very convincing when spewing Jedi philosophy.  It just feels wrong that Samuel L Jackson is promoting peace and pacifism.  It’s Samuel-mothafuckin-Jackson, dammit!  I’m talking ’bout Shaft!  I am a huge fan of Samuel L, but he is just not right for this part.

Lastly, the casting of Hayden Christianson as Anakin is arguably the biggest mistake in the entire trilogy (it’s a toss-up between him and Jar Jar).  While Christiansen does a great job with the action scenes and the lightsaber duels, that’s only a fraction of his part in the movie.  Watching him act is just painful.  He can’t emote, and his lines are mostly in monotone.  Think Ben Stein, Jedi Knight.  Oh, there is one other thing he does well in the movie:  look pissed.  After his mom dies the look of pure hatred is genuine.  Overall, though, he does a lousy job in this movie.

Ultimately, Attack of the Clones is poorly written, poorly acted, poorly cast, and poorly conceived.  The only thing that works in this movie are the special effects (the only thing Lucas is really good at) and the battle scenes.  The battle on Geonosis is pretty fun to watch, but not much else in this movie is.

What’s your least favorite Star Wars movie and why?